


Variations on a Theme, with Tank and Gunfire

by servantofclio



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servantofclio/pseuds/servantofclio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard finds herself reliving the last few years, from finding the beacon on Eden Prime to the battle for Earth. Again, and again, and again. How much can she change? How much should she change?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted to the ME kinkmeme in response to a relatively light-hearted prompt involving Shepard reliving the games, romance, and the Mako. It evolved into something much more. Thanks are due to: the OP, for a most inspiring prompt; my very clever spouse, for discussing plot ideas with me when I was stuck; and the many meme readers and commenters whose enthusiasm helped me see this story to its conclusion.

The second time, it takes Shepard a little while to figure out what’s going on.

She wakes up in the medbay, and Chakwas is talking to her about the beacon and she thinks, _Wait a minute, I was in London... the Crucible... the Catalyst..._ but maybe that was just part of the vision. So she goes about her business, but everything is too familiar, people have said these things before, done these things before.

In Dr. Michel’s clinic, she stares into Garrus’s face, looking for any sign of recognition, but he just looks at her expectantly, and as soon as she says her piece, he’s off telling her things she already knows. 

She doesn’t change a lot, until the end. Standing in the Citadel Tower, she hesitates. Maybe if she saves the Council this time, they’ll believe her. They won’t send her off after geth until she gets killed.

It doesn’t work. They don’t believe her. They do send her off. She dies over Alchera, gasping for air, thinking, _Goddammit, not again_ , and then she’s waking up and rolling off that table before Miranda even finishes speaking.

She goes for Archangel before Mordin, that time, thinking maybe she can spare Garrus the injuries from the rocket, but no dice. She still has to haul his bleeding body out of there, hoping like hell she hasn’t fucked things up, and when he walks out of the medbay and cracks a joke, she just wants to throw herself into his arms.

But she can see his pain and grief more clearly this time around. The first time, she’d been a little preoccupied with her own resurrection. So she sighs and gives him his space, works step by step to coax him out of his shell, talk him around, knowing this tune. She has to fight not to giggle at his surprise that everything goes so smoothly on their “first” time together. 

If she has to go through the whole damn war again, at least she’ll do it with Garrus by her side.

But it doesn’t work, and she wakes up the third time, and groans, “What? Again?”

“What?” says Dr. Chakwas.

“Never mind,” says Shepard. 

This time she mixes it up a little. Saves Kaidan on Virmire instead of Ashley, and is surprised when he shows up at her door before Ilos. Well... okay... she thinks, and it’s... fine. He’s a nice guy, the sex is good. Maybe this is the change she was supposed to make? But he’s almost the same as Ash on Horizon, the same hostility and suspicion and questions that he won’t stick around and let her answer. She watches him go with a mixture of sadness and resentment, and of course Garrus is the one who claps her on the shoulder and tells her something reassuring. 

This third time, she hasn’t the heart to go through the same steps with Garrus again, and she’s not sure about Kaidan. She frets about it, on their way to the Omega-Four Relay. Is this what she’s supposed to be doing? Was this all a cosmic message that she’s supposed to be with one of her own species? If so, that seems... oddly personal, but she doesn’t know what else to do. So she grits her teeth and sticks with it, even though Kaidan really freaking irritates her on Mars. She agrees to get back together with him, later, and then later still she walks into the main battery and finds Garrus in a clinch with Tali.

Her heart almost breaks, and it’s ridiculous. (This time) she’s never done a single thing to indicate she wants him, cares for him as anything more than a friend, so... it’s good he found someone else, right? He shouldn’t have to be alone, and he and Tali both deserve to be happy. 

Kaidan comes up to her quarters that night, and the sex is still good, but it takes her a while to fall asleep, staring up at the stars, feeling empty. When she’s saying goodbye in London, she forgets herself a little and gushes to Garrus maybe more than is appropriate for a best friend. He doesn’t seem to think anything of it, at least, and soon it’s all over. Again.

 

The fourth time she rushes. Skips everything that doesn’t seem essential, that doesn’t lead directly toward her goals. She is tired of the mess she’s caught in and just wants to get it done.

It’s awful. Wrex dies on Virmire, while she’s stammering, fumbling for the words she used to persuade him before. The mission to the Collector base is a disaster. She loses so many. Worst of all, Garrus, saying, “Guess I won’t be there at the end, Shepard,” before the light goes out of his eyes. She crouches there a minute, stunned. This isn’t right. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“Shepard, we have to go,” says someone—Miranda, she thinks—and she leans forward and kisses him on the brow. It’s already too cold. He’s supposed to be warm. He’s always so warm.

She survives the mission, barely, and rushes through everything else, too. She’s just going through the motions. All those people who need some damn artifact fetched can do without. She keeps looking for faces who are supposed to be there but aren’t. Sometimes there’s someone else in their place, someone she doesn’t really know, and sometimes no one’s there at all. Now and then, she walks into the battery out of habit, and finds it gleaming and quiet and empty. She stares around stupidly and walks out again before she does something she can’t afford, like burst into tears.

After that nightmare, it is a relief, a huge fucking relief, to wake up in the medbay for the fifth time. At least she’s got a chance to set things right again.

So the fifth time, and every time afterwards, she forces herself to slow down, be methodical. Does a few things differently. Changes up her weapons and her tactics and her ground team. To keep herself from getting bored on ground missions, she works on learning to drive the Mako properly. Unfortunately, nothing stops planet scanning from being boring. She gets to a point where she actually remembers which planets have the really good palladium deposits, and she can hardly believe that something that dull is taking up space in her brain. 

Most of those times, she pursues Garrus again, even though she has to go so slowly that she wants to scream. A couple of times she tries to flirt with him on their first mission, and he just looks at her blankly. She’s not sure whether he’s that clueless or she’s that bad a flirt. She sighs and goes back to helping him fix the vehicle.

Her memories from the first time are still the sharpest. She knows there are some little things that are different every time: casual conversations, inconsequential interactions. She loves Garrus, every time. She hasn’t managed to fall out of love with him yet. But she misses... she misses the original. Her Garrus. Back when everything was new and fresh and unpredictable, and she didn’t know everything he was going to say before it came out of his mouth. She holds herself back, a little bit, because she knows soon they’ll be back to square one and singing this same song again. 

It’s still better than not having him at all.

It takes her some practice, but she gets good at driving the Mako. (In the back of her mind, she can hear the original Garrus dryly teasing her for taking longer than average.) She can jump over armature fire, crush geth rocket troopers under her wheels, and dodge thresher maw acid. She sails off cliffs and lands them as gently as a kiss. All of her teammates are impressed, even Wrex, who generally makes a point of not being impressed by anything. Garrus is always particularly admiring, and she has to admit it gives her a thrill to see that particular gleam in his eyes. She takes him on most of the Mako drops, just so she can hear him drawl compliments, and the dim light inside the tank hides her rising blush.


	2. Chapter 2

She’s lost count of the number of iterations she’s been through—more than ten, probably fewer than twenty, but beyond that she couldn’t say. She heads down to the cargo hold for the first time this loop in a cheerful mood, glad to be away from the Citadel and its politicking for a while. She tries to remember which planet they’re dropping onto. Oh, right, they’re picking up Liara. “Okay,” she says, “Garrus, up front with me. Wrex, you take the cannon in back.”

The krogan grins and hops into the vehicle, but Garrus balks. “Is that really necessary, Commander?”

This is different. He’s never done this before. Except jokingly, to complain about her driving, her first time or two through the loop. Shocked at the novelty of it, she stops and stares at him. “Are you refusing an order, Vakarian?”

“No!” he says hastily. “No, not at all. I, uh, just wasn’t sure you really needed me for this mission.”

She stares at him some more. He blinks, not quite meeting her eyes. What the hell is up with him? “I think I’m the one who makes that call,” she says.

He blinks some more and ducks his head. “Right. Sorry, Commander.”

She heads toward the Mako and he follows, but she thinks he heaves a sigh before getting in.

She would just file it away as an idiosyncrasy, but he’s odd on the drive, too. He braces himself inside the tank. She knows what’s coming, so she’s ready the moment he shouts, “Geth!” She swerves away from the lava flow, fires the thrusters so the geth rockets pass under them, and veers back so Wrex has a better shot with the cannon. They tear through the geth along their way with ease; at one point she sends the tank over a tongue of lava, with no harm done to it, and hears a stifled gasp beside her. When they finally stop in front of Liara’s dig site, Garrus looks at her with something approaching shock.

“What?” she says.

“Nothing,” he says, too quickly.

“Don’t give me that,” she says. “That was definitely a something face.”

“I—” His expression goes carefully neutral. “You’re better at reading turian faces than most humans.” 

“It’s good to be familiar with other species,” she says. “Don’t you think?”

His eyes narrow slightly. “Of course,” he says. “Here I am, after all.”

“So you seemed surprised. Why?” 

He shifts in the seat. “Nothing. You’re just, ah, very skilled at maneuvering this vehicle.”

Shepard shrugs. “Why shouldn’t I be?” 

Out of the corner of her eye, she watches for his reaction. He looks away. “Of course. You, ah—” He glances back at her, sideways. 

They stare at each other for a few moments, before Wrex grumbles impatiently from the back seat, “Don’t we have an asari to acquire?”

They hop out and proceed into the mine, and she puts it out of her mind for a while. Back on the ship, everything seems normal. They have the same old conversation about C-Sec and rules. But she remembers his odd behavior when she checks in with him after a ground mission and he’s standing back, looking the tank over. “If you keep treating the Mako so nicely, I won’t have much to do between missions, Commander.”

“I’m sure we can find you something to calibrate,” she says, absent-mindedly. 

He stiffens and turns toward her with an unreadable expression. “What?”

She thinks about what she said and cocks her head. “I said, I’m sure we can find you something to do,” she says, watching. “What did you think I said?”

His shoulders relax slightly, but his expression remains wary. “I wasn’t sure. I just didn’t hear you well enough.”

She knows perfectly well his hearing is better than the average human’s, and she wasn’t exactly mumbling. “I’m sure the ship’s weapon systems could use some work,” she says. 

His expression tightens up. “I know that wouldn’t be protocol.” He glances toward Ashley.

She’s gotten cynical about the Alliance after all these loops, but his gesture reminds her that they aren’t alone. “My ship, my rules,” she says. “Talk to Adams about it.”

He nods. “Thanks, Commander.”

 

That’s the moment she decides she needs to find an excuse to talk to him privately. She’s not sure what to think. She’d almost concluded, at some point, that she must have died, and somehow had been condemned to spend eternity looping back through the most significant years of her life. But... it seems like he remembers things he shouldn’t, and that gives her a tiny, desperate hope that something else is going on.

She picks an insignificant planetary exploration. As best she can recall, there are no thresher maws, no geth ambushes, not much of anything down there. She calls Garrus to suit up and then waits for him in the Mako. He gets in a few minutes later and looks around, puzzled. “Who else is coming, Commander?”

“No one,” she says, starting the ignition. “It’s just you and me.”

He straps into his seat with an uneasy expression.

She drives with no particular purpose, meandering about rather than picking a clear direction. Now that she’s gotten him alone, she’s not sure how to start this conversation. “How’s the work on the weapons systems?”

“Fine. I think I can really improve both accuracy and efficiency.”

“Do you have a lot of experience with systems like this?” She watches him out of the corner of her eye.

He doesn’t give anything away. “The Normandy is partially based on turian designs, so yeah. They’re not so different.”

“Mm-hm.” She asks him a couple more questions about his combat experience, fishing, but he doesn’t say anything specific enough to confirm her suspicions. “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” she inquires.

He glances toward her briefly and returns to looking straight ahead. “Just happy to be here, Commander.”

“You don’t seem concerned about my driving any more,” she says, pushing a little.

“Why would I? You’re clearly an excellent driver,” he returns.

She jumps the Mako over a ravine just to show off. He tenses a little, but not much, so she tries another tack. “We’ll be headed back to the Citadel soon. Anywhere you recommend checking out?”

He shifts his weight a little. “Well, you’ll probably find the best weapons at the requisitions office. For armor, there are a couple of shops in the Wards worth trying.”

“What about for fun?”

He shrugs. “Well, Flux is nicer than Chora’s Den. Honestly, Commander, I didn’t have a lot of leisure time—”

“Come on, Garrus,” she says, taking a chance. “What’s your favorite spot on the Citadel?”

Humans only think turians are expressionless because they aren’t paying close enough attention. Their expressions are subtle and change quickly, there and gone in a fraction of a second. If she hadn’t been watching right then, she probably wouldn’t have seen how his face briefly shifts into something agonized. She might have heard the catch of breath as he composes himself, she might have seen in her peripheral vision how his hand tightens into a fist, but without the look on his face, she might have overlooked both these things. His voice is a little strained when he says, “Well, I’d have to say—”

She cuts him off as she brings the Mako to a stop. “Garrus?”

“Yes, Commander?”

She turns off the ignition and turns toward him, looks him squarely in the eyes. His reaction before felt like evidence enough, but now he’s unreadable, his expression calm and controlled. She leans toward him, searching his face. There’s a tiny flicker in those pale blue eyes. She says again, more softly, “Garrus?”

He tilts his head toward her slightly. The undertones of his voice seem both tight and hopeful as he says, “Shepard?” Not Commander. He hasn’t been using her name this time, not yet.

She pulls off her gauntlet, her heart pounding, and lays her hand on his right mandible, smooth and whole and unscarred under her touch. She can feel it trembling, his eyes fixed on hers. “It’s the top of the Presidium,” she whispers, “and you’re the king of the bottle shooters.” She always, always, lets him win.


	3. Chapter 3

“ _Shepard_ ,” he says, his voice breaking. They reach for each other, in a scramble to get as close as possible. Their mouths meet, harder than either intended, but she doesn’t care. Oh, she thought she’d have to wait longer for this, the feel of his tongue sliding against hers, his peculiar smoky taste, his fingers threading through her hair. Her own hand slides up and around to the back of his neck, massaging, and her other searches for the clasps of his armor. The Mako lurches as she inadvertently kicks something on the instrument panel.

“We’ll have more room in the back,” Garrus says. His voice is deep, ragged and breathless. It might be her favorite sound in the universe.

“You’re brilliant,” she murmurs.

“Damn, I wish I’d been recording that.”

She laughs and nuzzles her cheek against his before clambering into the back, unsealing her armor as she goes. He follows, and she can hear the clatter as he sheds his armor, too. She’s down to her underarmor by the time she reaches the bench seat in the back. She turns around and he’s _there_ , eyes intense and hungry, pressing her down against the seat, reaching for the zipper of her undersuit. They peel each other out of those last coverings, and then they’re skin to skin. Oh. Yes. She’s missed this, the warmth, the slight roughness of his plates against her skin. She wants to touch him everywhere: her tongue slides under his mandible, her teeth scrape his throat, her fingers find the edges of plates and the softer skin between. A tiny part of her brain notes fewer scars, a thinner physique than she’s used to, he must put on muscle along with the heavier armor; the rest of her brain has all but shorted out, preoccupied with wanting him _here, now_. His hands are on her breasts and his tongue is leaving hot, wet trails along her neck, her collarbone, down to a nipple, and it’s not enough. She shifts her legs, hooks them around his, gasps out his name; he rumbles his assent and moves and then he’s in her, filling her in one hard thrust that drives all the breath from her lungs.

They’ve never before done this without her Cerberus-supplied augmentations. There’s going to be chafing, all right. She can feel the burn already on her thighs but she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care; he’s fever-hot against her skin and hotter inside her, she clutches him desperately, she chants his name like a refrain, she’s already so close to the edge and they move, fast and frantic, heat and friction scorching through her, her voice rising into a scream as her body arches in release. She holds him tight as he shudders through his own climax. As she cools down, she realizes there are tears spilling silently down her cheeks. Garrus lifts his head from her shoulder and runs a thumb across her cheek; she traces the blue lines on the right side of his face, clear and unmarred, with her own fingers.

“I missed you,” she whispers. “I mean, I see you, but—”

“I know.”

“No one else remembers, and the first time I thought maybe I was losing it, and—”

“I know. I did, too.”

Her arms tighten around him, her fingers running up and down his back. He returns the embrace. “And now it’s been so many times,” she whispers.

“I know,” he whispers back. And she dissolves then, bursts out sobbing, tears everywhere. It’s been so long since she’s cried; she’s lost so many people, some of them again and again, she’d stopped feeling it so hard. But now, she’s not alone, she’s not, and the situation around her becomes real again, and those she’s lost aren’t merely automata playing their parts, but her friends and comrades. Garrus simply holds her, quiet, and gradually she takes comfort from the rhythm of his heartbeat and breath.

“What the hell is happening to us?” she asks, when she can speak again.

He expels a long breath. “Damn. I was hoping you could tell me. It has to be something at the end, but I don’t even know—what happens up there on the Citadel, Shepard?”

She’d forgotten he wouldn’t know; she’s never had a chance to tell anyone. “It’s all... weird. I talk to Anderson and the Illusive Man, and then there’s this kid. He says I have to make a choice, tell the Reapers what to do.”

“What are the choices?”

She shakes her head sharply. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve tried them all, different times. I make one choice or another and everything goes white and I wake up back in the medbay on the SR1.” Her grip on his shoulders tightens. She’s never known what happens down there on the ground. She’s a little afraid to ask. “What about you?”

“I...” He hesitates. “Usually I’m covering your run to the beam. Sometimes I’m coordinating with turian command. One way or another, I get evac’ed by the Normandy. And then, yeah, everything blanks out, I’m back at my desk in C-Sec, and Pallin’s handing me the Saren investigation.”

She nods, slowly. A terrible thought occurs to her. “Do you suppose everyone’s caught in the loops? I thought I was the only one, but if it’s happening to you, too...”

They’re both silent for a few minutes. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’ve never suspected that anyone else was... in this position. But I don’t exactly talk about it with everyone.”

“What’s it like for you?” she asks, suddenly curious. 

He heaves a sigh. “Well, when I’m with you or—the other Shepards, I guess—they’re mostly calling the shots. It changes sometimes, which missions I’m on, that kind of thing. When you’re—they’re—not around—”

He stops short. He’s never liked talking about those two years she was dead, the two years she tends to forget about. She rubs his shoulder, hoping that it’s soothing, and tries to absorb the idea of how much time he’s spent waiting for her to come back. “Do you always end up on Omega?” she asks softly.

“Yeah.” After a moment, he adds, “Not always the same way. I wasn’t going to go, once I realized things were repeating. And then I got tapped for a special covert mission on Omega. Guess what the mission codename was.”

“Archangel,” she breathes.

He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Got it in one.”

“And the rest?” She afraid to ask, but she thinks she needs to know. “What about Sidonis?”

“Tried to change that, too,” he says, shortly. “If it’s not one traitor, it’s another. If I stay in the base instead of letting myself get lured away, they all—” He stops. “It comes down to me alone, in the end.”

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “Garrus—”

“I’ve tried. Every damn thing I can think of. Tried to get everybody off station once, but there was an accident and all the docks closed. All of them. Refused to let them join me, and they followed me around anyway. I can’t. I can’t save them, no matter how hard I try.” 

She can hear the discordant undertones in his voice, anguish slipping free, and tries to imagine just how horrible it’s been for him, repeating this cycle of betrayal and loss so many times. There’s a resolution creeping up on her. “I don’t think—” she says, and hesitates. 

“You don’t think what?” he asks.

“How many loops do you think it’s been?”

“Twelve,” he says.

“Are you sure? I lost count.”

“I kept count. It’s twelve. Well, twelve since the first time.”

“Thirteen, then. Lucky thirteen,” she murmurs.

“What?”

She shakes her head. “Human superstition. It doesn’t matter. Look, maybe everyone else is going through these... cycles... too. But I don’t think we can wait for them all. If it’s taken this long, and we just randomly found ourselves together this time, I don’t think we can afford to wait.”

“Wait for what?” he asks, but his body has tensed enough that she thinks he already knows what she’s about to say.

“We have to find a way to stop it.”


	4. Chapter 4

He’s silent, though he pushes away to sit more upright. He scrutinizes her face closely. “How?”

“I don’t know.”

“We don’t even know what’s happening.”

“I know. But we’ll figure something out. We always do.” She takes a deep breath. “What’s the alternative? Now that I know... that you’re stuck, too, I don’t want to start another cycle. What if we’re not together? How many loops would it take to find each other again? I don’t want to lose you again.” Her eyes feel wet again. “I lost you once, on the Collector Base. It was awful.” Out of all the repetitions, she remembers that one thing with dreadful clarity: his eyes going dull, his skin growing cold.

He says, a little sharply, “Shepard, I lose you _every_ time.”

She’s actually crying now. “But I come back.”

“Yeah.” His voice is quiet. “You come back, but I never know if you’re going to be with me or...”

“Shit. I’m sorry.” She feels irrationally guilty about whatever those other Shepards have decided to do. And a little guilty about the times she’s chosen somebody else, or no one at all. “I don’t... want you to have to go through everything again, either.”

A tremor runs through him. He runs one hand over his fringe. “I wonder what will happen, if we stop it.”

“I don’t know.” Maybe it’ll just stop, she thinks. She doesn’t remember being dead, but she might welcome peace and quiet, oblivion.

He says, “I wanted—okay, I was joking about living off the royalties, and I knew it wasn’t very likely we’d both survive, but—I hoped we could have a life together, Shepard. Whether we decided to retire or not.”

She reaches out and clasps his hand. “I want that, too. Did then. Still do.” She’s had a lot of dreams: of long and storied careers together, of lazy retirements on the beach. Garrus is the one constant in all the dreams for the future she’s had. Changing the status quo, trying to break out of this repetition they’re stuck in, feels like an enormous risk. It could consign them to death. Or it could be their only chance at that life together. “I’m so tired,” she confesses quietly. She’s tired of having the same conversations, of watching friends die again and again, of doing the same impossible tasks. “Aren’t you tired, too? Doing everything over and over again?”

He nods, slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. Especially when I have so little control. Shepard, do you really think we _can_ change it?”

“I think you were right; it must be something at the end. Something to do with the Crucible, or the Catalyst.” She frowns. “Whatever it is, I think we have to try.” 

“Okay,” he says. “I’m with you.” 

She smiles. She hadn’t doubted that he would be, but hearing him say it makes her feel warm all over. She holds his hand tighter. “I’m glad you are.”

He says, “The good news is, if everything goes as usual, we have time to make a plan.” 

She laughs. “True.” She sits up, surveys the mess of armor pieces cluttering up the Mako, and starts setting herself to rights. Garrus does the same. Once they’re done, she climbs back into the driver’s seat. “Come on, let’s head back.” She gives him a flirtatious look. “And then we’ll go to my quarters and do that again.”

To her surprise, he hesitates. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Shepard.”

That actually stings. She tries to cover her hurt. “What? Why not? Are you worried about the crew? I think we’re both capable of being professional.” Surely they’ve demonstrated that; they weren’t making much effort to hide their relationship during the war. 

He shakes his head. “It’s not that. What if it changes something else, Shepard? Something important.”

“It’s never mattered before,” she says. “I’ve done things differently, now and then, and it doesn’t seem to affect the course of events.”

Some expression flickers across his face, too quickly for her to read. He takes a breath. “Who—” He breaks off and shakes his head. “No. I don’t need to know.”

She realizes what she said; she as much as admitted she’s been with others. She grabs his wrist. “I love you. But there were—times I was trying to figure things out, or times I couldn’t handle being with—a different version of you. Those aren’t the same. Those were just—” She searches for the right words.

“Easing tension?” His voice is a little strained.

She sighs. “Well, yeah. Not... meaningless, but not serious, either.” She swallows and asks carefully, “Haven’t you ever...?”

He rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah. Okay. I have. Only when I knew I didn’t have a chance with, uh, you.”

“Tali?” she says, out of curiosity.

He winces. “Yeah. I mean, we’ve been through a lot together, and she—” He shakes his head. “I feel weird talking about this.”

“It is weird,” she admits. “It’s okay. I mean, not okay that it’s weird, but I’m not going to get upset with you for something that happened in another loop. Just... know that I’m in love with you. It’s been you for a long time.”

He shakes his head. “I love you, too, Shepard, but I don’t think I deserve you.”

“Don’t say that. You deserve a lot better than you’ve gotten.” She leans over to plant a kiss on the side of his face. “But the point is, I don’t think my romantic life has much effect on the grand scheme of things.”

“What about Cerberus? Usually we don’t, um, get together until after you come back. What if they won’t bring you back if...”

“If I’m sleeping with a turian?” Shepard frowns. At one time, she would have welcomed the idea. If Cerberus didn’t bring her back, at least she’d be done with it. She’s been unwilling to end her own life—too stubborn, too proud, unable to kill the tiny seed of hope that something would change, but if there were a way to opt out, well... 

But she’s not alone in the loop any more, and if she doesn’t come back, she knows where that leaves him: alone, on Omega, waiting for help that’s never going to come. So she thinks about it. From what she knows about the Illusive Man, she’s not sure he would care; to him, she’s a means to an end: more power. But she can’t say that Garrus’s concern has no foundation. “Okay,” she says. “We’ll be discreet. But, Garrus—I can’t pretend this is nothing. Not after going through everything and finding you again. I thought I was all alone, and I talk to... the other Garruses, but it’s not the same, they’re not you, and I... I don’t want to give you up.” Her voice is breaking again. She hasn’t cried in so long, and today she’s just leaking everywhere.

He lets out a deep breath, and for a moment she thinks he’s going to be turian-stubborn about it, but he wraps a long arm around her shoulders and they lean against each other. “I don’t want to give you up, either. But... we have to be careful.”

“We will be,” she promises.

They talk about the logistics of being discreet while they wait for pick-up. By the time they pull the Mako into the Normandy’s cargo bay, they have a plan. The plan, however, meets its first test when they step out of the Mako. Wrex takes a look at the pair of them, then blinks and inhales deeply, deliberately. Then his face splits into a giant, toothy grin, and he guffaws. Ashley and the requisitions officer both give him funny looks.

“Shepard,” he says, his voice rumbling with vast amusement.

Shit. He’s onto them. He probably has a freakishly good sense of smell, or something. Shepard draws herself up and narrows her eyes at him. “Wrex,” she returns, warningly.

He grins at her and turns his attention to Garrus. “Turian,” he says, in a milder-than-usual tone.

Garrus nods. 

They get into the elevator, headed up to the crew deck and the showers. (Not together, pleasant as that would be.) Shepard takes advantage of their moment of privacy to say, “He’d better not be difficult.”

“I doubt he cares,” Garrus replies. “He just thinks it’s funny.”

“Let me know if he gives you any trouble.”

“Please. I can handle Wrex.” Garrus shrugs. “I just have to keep saying things about the genophage so he can reply and feel like he’s getting one-up on me. Eventually he’ll decide I’m okay. It’s not like I haven’t done this before, Shepard.”

She smiles. She wants to lean over and kiss him, but that’s not part of the plan. And indeed, the elevator doors open, and they’re side by side, not touching, perfectly decorous.

Being discreet means they don’t touch each other, except in private. It means Shepard keeps a very even-handed rotation on ground missions; there will be no cause for complaints of favoritism. It means they make a point of not spending time together off-duty in highly public venues like the Citadel. 

But he comes to her quarters, when they’re both off-duty and there’s time to spare. If that first time was quick and frantic, the second time is slow and thorough. They take the time to explore each other. She catalogs all the differences in his body from what he will be later; he gets acquainted with the scars that Cerberus doesn’t restore; she re-learns the pleasures of his tongue, strong and flexible; he shows her how much he loves her nimble fingers and soft lips. 

Even being discreet, they can’t keep it a secret. More than one crew member notices Garrus entering or leaving Shepard’s cabin, after all. But as Shepard feared, it’s Wrex who eventually gives everything away. During a meal, no less; they’re swapping comments on their various home cuisines and the more exotic dishes they’ve tried. Garrus, Kaidan, and Joker all admit to having tried opposite-chirality food. “What about you, Shepard?”” Kaidan asks.

She shakes her head. “Nope, never.”

Wrex says, “Huh. I’m surprised. I thought you had a taste for dextro, Shepard. Or maybe you already have all you can handle.” He chuckles and smirks at her.

Shepard glares at Wrex across the table. Garrus pauses for half a second and then resumes eating as if nothing had happened. Everyone else freezes. Joker looks from Shepard to Garrus and back and makes a choking noise. Liara blinks a couple of times and then droops in her chair, looking deflated. Kaidan’s jaw clenches, and he suddenly becomes very busy with his plate. Tali tips her head sideways, saying, “What does that... oh. Oh!” She ducks her head and fidgets.

Ashley’s eyes have been widening the whole time. “Ma’am?”

Shepard turns her glare around the table like it’s a beam weapon. Everyone except Wrex and Garrus flinches. “Yes, Chief?” she says in an icy tone.

Ashley drops her gaze. “N-nothing, ma’am.”

Kaidan is sullen for a week, though he’s professional enough on-duty. Ashley doesn’t say anything, but shoots baffled looks at both Shepard and Garrus whenever she gets a chance. Everyone else seems to adjust, and Shepard hopes that nothing dire will result from that little admission.


	5. Chapter 5

When they’re alone, their talk often turns to strategy.

“What are you thinking about?” Shepard asks one night, curled up together.

“Virmire.”

“Wondering if we can save them both?”

“Yeah.” He brushes a lock of hair out of her eyes. “I was thinking, maybe if we split the team in two... but I don’t know if the rest of the team will take orders from me.” He sounds nervous, like he’s not sure she’ll approve of the suggestion.

“Mm.” Shepard considers. “Wrex probably won’t. Liara and Tali would, I think. You could lead a couple of minor missions with them, to get them used to the idea. It could be risky, though. I don’t want to lose more than one squad mate.” 

Garrus can read between the lines. “I’ll be careful.”

“You’d better be.” She has faith in his abilities; it’s the idea of going through the loop alone again that makes her fearful.

Kaidan looks all kinds of unhappy when she deputizes Garrus to lead a routine reconnaissance mission. She sighs to herself and schedules Kaidan to lead a couple, too, telling herself it’ll be worthwhile in the long run. They’ll all need to be leaders, eventually.

And then they get to Virmire, and she braces herself. Here it is. It’s a test, in a way: _can they make a meaningful change?_ She drives the Mako swiftly and elegantly through the shallows, she disables the AA guns, they rendezvous with the salarian team. She talks Wrex down and breathes a sigh of relief. 

When Kaidan tells her to go help Ash and the salarians because they need a few more minutes to set up the bomb, she shakes her head. Here it comes. “I want to keep an eye on this bomb myself. Garrus, take Tali and Liara and provide support for Team Aegohr.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” he says. If he’s nervous, his voice doesn’t betray it. Liara and Tali accompany him without any hesitation.

“Wrex, with me,” she says. The two of them take cover near the gateway, watching the tech team set up the bomb. Her heart is pounding, and she keeps her weapons ready. 

Sure enough, moments later there’s a horde of geth. They’re clearly focused on the bomb, and Kaidan takes a lot of fire in spite of her best efforts. A few minutes after that, Saren himself shows up. She mouths her way through the usual conversation, knowing it won’t be enough to persuade him now, but maybe... maybe later it’ll have an effect... 

He snarls at her before he retreats. She hauls Kaidan with her, Wrex at her heels, and they sprint for the Normandy. As soon as she’s on board, she calls out the order to go pick up the other team.

“We lost contact with them, Commander,” says the nervous ensign in the co-pilot’s seat. 

“Then go to their last known coordinates,” she snaps. They still have a couple of minutes before the bomb detonates; Kaidan didn’t accelerate the countdown, since she was right there. She clenches her fists tight, hoping it’ll be enough. It has to be enough. She is not going to lose Garrus to this experiment. If that happens, if she doesn’t have him with her for the rest of this loop... 

She holds herself back from finishing that thought.

“We’ve picked up the salarian shuttle,” Joker tells her.

She’s already headed for the stairs. “Report, Vakarian,” she says into her comm.

In the moments of silence that follow, she tenses. She feels her pulse pounding. And then she hears his voice over the link. He might sound calm to someone else; she knows Garrus well enough to hear the triumph in his voice. “All survivors accounted for, Commander,” he says.

She checks in with them in the medbay. Kaidan and Ashley both have multiple gunshot wounds, a couple of the salarians are banged up. Garrus took a round in the arm, a minor wound, Chakwas tells her.

“You did good work today,” she tells him, and looks around to include the rest of them. “All of you.”

She meets Garrus’s eyes as she turns to go, and he shoots her a grin. As she heads out, she hears Ash say behind her, “Hey, Vakarian—I owe you one.”

Garrus drops by her quarters, later, and Shepard pulls him into a fierce embrace. “You made it,” she says.

He laughs. “I thought it was more impressive that I finished the mission.”

“That, too,” she says. She pulls back to look him in the eye. “I just hope that doesn’t cause a problem down the line.”

“As long as it’s not a fatal problem, we can work with it.”

“Hm. You’re confident today.”

“You have no idea how good it felt to actually make a difference,” he says, nuzzling the side of her neck and doing that thing with tongue that makes her knees weak.

“Mmm,” Shepard responds and reaches for the clasps on his shirt. He chuckles, scoops her up, and carries her across the room to her bed. She doesn’t have much time for coherent thought in the next hour or two, but it does occur to her as she’s lying in his arms, panting and flushed, that she’s experienced the awkward-shy-fumbling stage of their courtship plenty of times, but she has not seen nearly enough of this side of him. Not that the awkwardness isn’t adorable, but this level of confidence and verve is new and exciting. Is it just temporary euphoria, she wonders, or would Garrus be like this all the time, if he weren’t being ground down by everything that’s happened to him?

He trails one finger lightly down her arm. “What’s on your mind?”

“That you’re damned sexy like this,” she says without thinking.

He laughs out loud. Shepard pushes herself up on one elbow to get a better look at him. “I mean it. We’ve gone through the getting-started stage of this relationship so many times, but we haven’t gotten to enjoy this part of it.”

He pulls her back down for a kiss and whispers, “I know what you mean.”

“I was also thinking that we should tell someone else,” she says, giving voice to thoughts she’s been turning over for a little while now.

His hands move slowly up and down her back. “Why now?”

“So you’re not all alone with this while I’m... gone. And because I think we need to get more minds thinking about the problem. I want to talk to Mordin about it, eventually, and maybe Legion.”

“Who did you have in mind?”

“Liara. Because she can look at my memories and verify what I’m saying. And yours, too, if that’s okay.”

He nods. “Good idea. It might make her feel better about the business with your body, too.”

Shepard grimaces. “Yeah.”

She wants to do it before they get back to the Citadel, so she asks Liara into her office the next morning. 

“Is there some kind of problem, Commander?” The asari’s blue eyes are wide, and she fidgets with the hem of her jacket. 

“Not exactly,” says Shepard. “I think you’d better sit down.”

“This story is... very difficult to believe.” Liara is frowning when Shepard finishes her explanation. She looks questioningly at Garrus, who came in quietly while Shepard was talking.

“I know, but it’s true,” he says. “It’s happening to me, too.”

Shepard offers, “I can show you my memories, if that would help.”

Liara bites her lip and nods. She takes Shepard’s hand and her eyes grow black. 

Usually, Shepard is trying to avoid having Liara see these memories. She’s learned to block it by sort of pushing the vision from the Prothean beacon in Liara’s direction. She suspects that’s one of the reasons doing this is so hard on Liara. This time, she holds her memories open, imagining that she is letting Liara riffle through a picture book or a photo album. 

When they’re done, Liara’s face has paled to a rather sickly shade of blue. “Goddess,” she whispers. “You’ve been through so much. And... Ashley was supposed to die, back on Virmire?”

Shepard shrugs. “Or Kaidan. It’s always been one or the other, until this time.”

“So this time is different,” Liara says to herself. She looks up at Garrus and extends her hand. “May I?”

He nods, pulls off his glove, and takes it. After a few minutes, Liara breaks the connection with a gasp. Garrus sways a bit, and Shepard puts an arm around him to support him, escorting him to another chair. Liara is shaking her head. “I’m so sorry,” she says. “For both of you.” Then she freezes. “I wonder where I am.”

“I don’t know.” Shepard crouches in front of her to meet her at eye level. “Liara, I’m sorry. I don’t know if Garrus and I are the only people experiencing the... repetition, or if... there’s a version of you out there somewhere experiencing loops as well. But I think we have to stop it.”

Liara nods, her skin gradually returning to its normal color. “I understand. If I—if I am out there, somewhere, I am sure I wish it would be over. But... what do you want me to do?”

“Just help us think it through. Some things seem pretty well fixed, but we’ve made one change. We need to find a way to change what happens at the end.”

“Without screwing something else up along the way,” Garrus adds.

Liara sighs, “This is not really my kind of science, but I’ll try to help.”

Shepard puts in, “And I’ll be, um, unavailable for a while.” Two long years for them, the blink of an eye to her. “I thought you could help each other.”

Liara shakes her head. “But, Shepard, shouldn’t we try... shouldn’t we try to stop you from dying?”

In the silence, Garrus tenses; Shepard can feel it without even looking at him. She looks down instead, at her hands, fingers laced together, and the floor between her feet. “I think... it’s too risky.”

Garrus blows out a breath. “Shepard—”

She interrupts, “I’ve thought about it.” She rises to her full height and paces in the limited space available. “Garrus, you’ve said you can’t change a lot when I’m around. I don’t understand what’s happening, but I think I’m key to it. Maybe just because I’m the one activating the Crucible, I don’t know. But suppose we succeeded. What’s going to happen if I’m around for two years? I’m not supposed to be. I could change all sorts of things, and maybe not for the better. And much as I hate to say it, those Cerberus augmentations will come in handy later. I’ll be more effective in combat.”

“That’s a pretty poor reason,” Garrus snaps.

She meets his eyes then, his stare hard and predatory when he’s frustrated. “It’s the least of my reasons. And how would we try to stop it? Do I defy my orders? Then _I’m_ the rogue Spectre, and I doubt that would end well for me. We can’t refit the Normandy to withstand a Collector attack. Most of the tech will be developed in the next two years. Unless you’ve got the schematics memorized?” Her gaze is challenging. Garrus sighs and shakes his head.

“For the cannon, yeah,” he admits. “Not for the shielding or armor.”

She snorts. “Why am I not surprised you have the schematics for the Thanix cannon by heart?”

“I’ve installed it twelve times,” he points out.

“The point is, my death is too big a change. Too many variables might depend on it.” She looks from Garrus to Liara. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I’d rather not have to leave you to deal with everything alone. But I’ll be coming back.” She takes a deep breath. “I really will be. Please hold onto that, and help each other.”

Liara and Garrus look at each other, two very different sets of blue eyes meeting. She nods. “I’ll do my best.”

“And, Liara...” Shepard searches for the right words. “Going to Omega, working with Cerberus... it’s okay. It’s the right thing to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be away from home for the next few days, so updates may not be as frequent in the next week.


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard would like to let her hair down and celebrate the defeat of Saren and Sovereign, like everyone else on the Citadel, but it’s hard when she knows what’s coming next. 

Well, not quite everyone is celebrating. Yes, most of the Normandy crew is having a fine time, dancing and drinking at Flux, but Liara’s eyes are sad whenever she looks at Shepard, and Garrus is very quiet, leaning against the bar with a drink.

Shepard’s shoulder hurts, and her ribs ache, and she wishes they weren’t so set on being discreet in public. She wants to haul him onto the dance floor, aches and pains be damned; she wants to hang on him in full view of everyone, and she doesn’t care if there are cameras and journalists in sight. But, but, but. But Cerberus. But Garrus has enough to deal with without more worry that she won’t be resurrected. 

She makes the rounds of the party one last time and leaves, feeling tired and heartsick. Half an hour later, Garrus shows up at the door of her hotel room, as they’d previously arranged. “I shorted out the security cameras on my way in,” he tells her.

“Smooth,” she returns, smiling in spite of herself.

“Always,” he says, shutting the door behind him. He takes a deep breath. “Look, I decided, on the way over here. I think we should do our best not to think about the next parts tonight, and try to celebrate.”

Shepard smiles and finds that some of the tension is leaving her body. “I think that’s a very good idea.”

“Besides,” he adds, “I heard your hotel room had a hot tub.” He tilts his head sideways and does his best to look suave. 

She laughs outright. He’s succeeding remarkably well. “It does,” she confirms, and draws him into the bathroom with her.

The hot water is soothing on her sore muscles. Garrus admits he’d prefer it hotter, but he doesn’t want to scald her. They don’t lounge in the tub long before he draws her into his lap, gentle with her recent injuries, and she finds him already ready for her. She scrapes her fingers against his neck and they both groan as he presses up into her, his fingers sliding between them to circle her clit with practiced skill, and they ride together to a shuddering conclusion. While she’s still feeling limp and boneless, he picks her up and stands, bearing her weight effortlessly to the bed, where he licks the lingering water from her skin and finds his way between her legs, until she comes again with a scream, crumpling the sheets in her hands. And then she has to return the favor, and so the night goes.

#

Before the Normandy departs on her final voyage, Kaidan asks for a transfer.

Shepard blinks at him, astounded. This has never happened before, with either him or Ashley. Her heart starts racing, wondering if they made a mistake somewhere... or if he remembers, too. “Is there some kind of problem, Lieutenant?” she asks.

He hesitates. “Permission to speak freely, ma’am?” 

She nods. 

He folds his hands together and looks at them instead of her. “I have... inappropriate feelings for you, ma’am. I shouldn’t be... thinking that way about my commanding officer. It makes it difficult to work with you, and, um.” His eyes slide to the side.

“I see,” she says. “I’m sorry to hear that. Garrus is probably not returning to the Normandy on this cruise, if that makes a difference.”

“It doesn’t, really,” he says, meeting her eyes for the first time. “I have some other good opportunities. There’s a new biotics training program being developed.”

“Well. I can’t argue with that. You’re a fine officer. I’m happy to put a letter of commendation in your file.” She’s already done so, and recommended him for promotion as well. Ash, too.

“Thank you, ma’am.”

There’s one more thing she has to say, just a test. “Perhaps we’ll work with each other again sometime, somewhere over the horizon.” She puts just a little emphasis on the last word, watching his face carefully.

There’s not even the tiniest flicker of recognition. “Perhaps so, ma’am. Stranger things have happened.”

She stands up and sees him to the door of her office. Just before he leaves, she adds, quietly. “Kaidan... I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head. “No need, ma’am. It’s been an honor serving with you.”

#

Ash is happy to stay. “Best posting I’ve ever had, Skipper.” Tali and Liara will stay on, too, as usual. Wrex heads off to Tuchanka. Garrus...

“Going back to C-Sec?” she asks him. It’s what they’d talked about; sometimes he’s been on the Normandy when she goes down, but this time it would be especially hard for him not to intervene.

“For now,” he says. His expression is tight. She’s shipping out in the morning.

Thankfully, for now, they have privacy. She puts her arms around his neck and leans her forehead against his. “I’ll see you on the other side,” she tells him, softly. 

“It’s going to be a long two years,” he returns. 

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to—”

“—make that big a change. I know.” He sighs. “I agree, even. It’s just—” he stops, and his eyes shift away from her, mandibles flexing.

She presses a kiss to his cheek. “I know.” Another to his nose. “I’m sorry.” Finally, his jaw. “I’ll be back.” 

“You’d better be,” he breathes.

She knows her part is going to hurt. (She knows precisely how much it’s going to hurt.) His part is to endure, to wait, to form his team and see it crushed to splinters around him. She can only read how much his part hurts him in the look in his eyes, the hitch in his voice, the silences between the stories he tells. She wonders how it is that he’s remained sane. It’s their last night together, at least the last for a while. She does her best to draw out his pain, to forget and help him do the same, but neither of them can, quite. They cling to each other with desperation, they fuck each other hard. She’s going to feel it in the morning, a deep but satisfying ache inside and the itch of healing scratches on her skin. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I love you,” he murmurs against her collarbone.

“I’m coming back to you.” She trails her fingers against the smooth plates of the right side of his face, remembering the scars that will be. 

“Yeah,” he sighs, but her touch can’t quite ease the tension from his frame.


	7. Chapter 7

Alchera looms white below her. Shepard can’t focus on it, or much of anything. Her body flails, fighting for air. “I’m coming back,” she whispers, knowing it’s foolish, knowing she doesn’t have much oxygen left. This time, this time above all, she has to come back. Has to.

She comes to in a blur, recognizing the bright sterility of the lab, Wilson and Miranda’s voices incomprehensible above her. She struggles on instinct, but somewhere in the back of her mind is relief. She came back. She did. Cerberus came through. She’s actually grateful to the insufferable murdering bastards, and then she lapses back into unconsciousness.

“Shepard, wake up.” It’s Miranda’s disembodied voice, her signal that the next phase of this mission is beginning. 

“About time,” she groans.

“Get off that—what?” Miranda’s thrown off her game for a second. Shepard grimaces, clutches her aching ribs, and climbs to her feet. She’s not really listening to Miranda as she fumbles for the armor and the gun and the heat sinks. It feels so routine. Mechs, more mechs, Jacob, Wilson, mechs, Miranda. She pretends to listen to the Illusive Man, goes through the motions on Freedom’s Progress. For a moment, she wonders if she should have told Tali about the loops as well as Liara, but the moment passes, and she certainly doesn’t have the opportunity there, with Miranda and Jacob watching her. She takes a cursory tour of the Normandy, as if she doesn’t know her every nook and cranny, and tells Joker to set course for Omega.

She doesn’t really need to get information from Aria any more, but she does anyway, dragging Miranda and Jacob along. 

“I think we should recruit Mordin Solus first,” says Miranda as they descend from Aria’s nest.

“We’re going after Archangel,” Shepard tells her. She’s not leaving Garrus out there a minute longer than necessary, even if it may not matter much. “You heard Aria, he may not have much time left.”

Miranda frowns but acquiesces.

Shepard knows by now where to go to sabotage the mechs and the gunship. She’s actually feeling happy as she swings over the barricade and sets off over the bridge. She glances up, sees his scope leveled at her, and shoots him a wink before the concussive round hits her chestplate.

Once she’s made it up to his lookout, they don’t deviate much from the usual dialogue. Shepard is too aware of Miranda and Jacob’s listening ears. She sends them away for a moment with orders to keep watch on the back stairs, and puts a hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “Hey,” she says softly, momentarily afraid that it’s not the _real_ Garrus, just... another Garrus.

“Hey.” To her relief, he leans in for a kiss, which she willingly gives. “You took your sweet time getting here, Shepard.”

“Oh?” She raises an eyebrow, mildly surprised at his light tone. 

“Yeah. I lost count of how many days—” His fingers twitch and for a moment his eyes are far away. “Huh. Maybe it wasn’t long as I thought. Sorry. All the times up here kind of blur together.”

“I can imagine.” She takes a closer look at him. “Are you on stims?”

“How else did you think I stayed awake and alive up here?”

She sighs. “You don’t make a habit of it, right?”

“Of course not. I think you would have noticed by now,” he says wryly.

Miranda pokes her head in then, and an alarm sounds to tell them that their enemies are breaking into the lower levels. Shepard’s a little proud of herself at how good she’s gotten at getting those doors shut.

She never takes the gunship in stride, though. The roar of its engine kicks her heartrate up. The hail of gunfire, the mercs coming in through the windows, the rocket; she finally takes it down with her missile launcher and flies across the room, snapping orders to her team. She kneels in the tide of indigo blood and applies all the medigel she can, hardly even aware that she’s talking in a continuous stream: _come on Garrus hold on hang in there I came back you don’t get to go anywhere hold on just hold on_.

By the time they get back to the Normandy, she’s hoarse from this monologue. He flatlines as they hit the medbay and Shepard freezes. For a moment she can’t remember whether this has happened before. But Chakwas takes over, gets his heart beating again, is snapping out orders to Miranda and the junior medtechs, and spares a split second to shout at Shepard: “Out!”

Shepard backs up and the doors shut in front of her. She swallows, trembling, too aware that there’s a smear of blue blood drying on her cheek and that her armor looks like she’s spent the last few hours in a multi-species abattoir.

Joker says gently, “Hey, Shepard,” and she starts. She hadn’t even heard him come up to her. “You know you can’t be there right now.”

“I know,” she says. Her voice sounds thin and strange to her ear. “I’d only be in the way.”

“You know the doc’s going to do her best, and you know her best is damned good.”

Shepard closes her eyes. “Yeah. I know.” It only helps so much, just like it only helps so much to know he’s survived the same attack twelve times before.

She’s on edge until Jacob walks into the comm room and begins a speech she knows well, and she doesn’t really relax until Garrus himself strides in. Her face breaks out into a smile as she looks over the familiar damaged armor and bandage. She has to admit it, she’s used to the scars; he looks more like himself to her this way.

After Jacob leaves, she goes to Garrus and reaches up to pull him down for a kiss. He winces. “Ow. Careful.”

“Sorry,” she breathes. Usually his injuries have had a lot more time to heal. He kisses her back anyway, and she luxuriates in it in spite of the medicinal aroma that clings to him. “You want to head up to the Loft?”

He draws back and gives her a lopsided grin. “You know, Shepard, I hate to disappoint, but I did just wake up from anesthetic an hour ago. I don’t know that I can meet your insatiable demands just yet.” 

“Ass.” She raps him on the arm. “You can just sleep there, you know. It’s got to be more comfortable than wherever the hell you bunk on this boat.”

“You’re sure, um.” He steps back, fiddling with the thick bandage on his right side. “You don’t mind disrupting the crew?” He glances up.

Right. EDI’s silent surveillance; the AI is not her ally now, not yet. “I think we can stay professional without having to keep the same standard of discretion, don’t you?” She raises her eyebrows, trying to remind him that the old concern doesn’t apply now that she’s back.

“Mmm. There are some things I’d like to discuss with you in private.” She can’t quite read his expression.

“Then let’s go.”

They stand quiet and separate in the elevator, and she wonders what’s going on in his head. When they get up to the Loft, he signs her to silence, then punches some command into his omni-tool. She hears a faint squeal as the electronic listening devices scattered around the room die. “There.” Garrus sounds satisfied. “That should take everything out.”

“Nice,” says Shepard, folding her arms.

“I can’t take too much credit. One time I asked EDI how to disable the surveillance. She thought it was an odd question, but she told me anyway.” He takes a deep breath, and for a moment she really sees how exhausted he looks, his earlier swagger fading. He reaches out, she steps toward him, and they fold into each other, arms around each other. He rests the uninjured side of his face against her head and sighs.

“How are you, really?” she asks quietly. “You gave me a bit of a scare.”

“Tired. Sore. Loaded up on painkillers.” His breath ruffles her hair. “Sorry, Shepard.”

“What for? Take it easy. Rest for a few hours, at least. The battery’s not going anywhere.”

After a moment, he says, “Yeah. All right.”

She helps him take off the battered armor and they lie down together on the bed. She puts her arm around his chest. It’s soothing and familiar, the burbling of the fishtank and the steady beat of his heart. She asks, “Have you talked to Liara lately?”

“About... twenty days ago? She’s fine. Sends her regards.”

“Did you two come up with any ideas?”

He sighs. “She was trying to work out what’s... causing it, at one point, but I think she got more engrossed in chasing the Shadow Broker. I was thinking, though—it’s hard to make a plan, just from your description of what’s up there on the Citadel. What if we got a whole team up there?”

“Hmm.” Shepard thinks that one over. What, indeed? What if she weren’t facing the Catalyst in pain, injured, struggling with blood loss and whatever the Illusive Man did to her? “We could talk over options on the spot,” she says slowly, “and get more eyes on the problem.”

“Just like how we normally handle a mission,” he points out. It’s true. Among the things she’s good at are adapting, leading teams, making the best use of others’ specialized skills. 

“So... what? You think the three of us, you, me, and Liara?” She’s still turning over ideas, in the back of her mind.

“Tali, maybe?” he offers. “She knows more about AI programming than the rest of us.”

“Or EDI, or a geth.” The more she thinks about it, the more she likes the idea. “The more, the better. Though I think we’ll need skill and tech more than firepower. We’ll definitely need to bring more people in on this.”

“Sure,” he says, sounding sleepy.

Shepard keeps thinking about it. “Garrus, I want to bring Miranda in.”

That wakes him up. “What? Why? She’s going to think you’re crazy.”

“Not now. Later. Once she believes in me. She’s smart and versatile and motivated. And you’re right, we should talk to Tali. And I still want to consult with Mordin. Going to have to be later, for all of them.” She pats his arm. “Get some sleep, Garrus. We’ll figure this out.”


	8. Chapter 8

This loop gives Shepard a new appreciation for Garrus’s resilience. She leaves him sleeping and takes Miranda and Jacob out to recruit Mordin, and comes back to find him tinkering with the cannon and grumbling about being left behind. “You were exhausted and injured, and I hate exposing you to the plague,” she protests.

Garrus brushes it off. “I heal fast. Takes more than a plague to take me down.”

She eyes him skeptically, but he certainly seems fine over the next few days, and Dr. Chakwas verifies that he’s fit for duty. He comes up to her cabin at the end of the shift for a much more physical reunion, tasting and touching every inch of her while she gets reacquainted with the scars he’s acquired over the last two years. He takes up his duties faultlessly; they get started on the ship upgrades, take a trip to the Citadel, hit Korlus and Purgatory. The crew gets used to the idea that the turian bunks in the Commander’s quarters. A couple of them look as though they’re swallowing lemons, but Shepard will not tolerate any expressions of bigotry on her ship, and by now she knows which members of the crew to apply pressure to. She’s most nervous about Miranda’s reaction, but Miranda mostly seems irritated by Joker’s admission that Shepard and Garrus have been an item for quite some time, a fact that somehow her investigations missed. The presence of likable and accepting people like Donnelly and Daniels also helps set the right tone. But it’s Rupert Gardner who silences the last couple of whisperers by loudly informing them that he’s one of the few on the ship old enough to remember the First Contact War, so if he doesn’t care, neither should they.

#

Still panting from outrunning the Praetorian, Shepard watches the Collector ship and silently mourns the abducted colonists that she can’t save. She ignores the mechanic’s ranting until Kaidan Alenko interrupts him and strides out to join them.

“Fine,” she mutters to Garrus under her breath. “I owe you fifty credits.”

Garrus chuckles softly but quickly resumes a neutral expression as Kaidan greets Shepard. He’s friendly enough at first, but he rapidly falls into the familiar pattern of suspicion and blame. No matter how much Shepard tries to explain that she _doesn’t_ trust Cerberus, that she’s just working with them to stop the Collector attacks, he keeps turning the conversation back to trust. He also keeps looking at her with a wounded look as if she’d kicked his puppy or jumped right off whatever shiny pedestal he’d put her on to roll around in manure. It reminds her unpleasantly of his confession before leaving the Normandy. She doesn’t know why he fixates on her so hard, especially when she’s... otherwise committed. 

#

The good thing about being done with that mission is getting the new batch of dossiers. “Tali or Liara?” she asks Garrus.

He shrugs. “I’m sure Liara would like to see you. Tali can probably take care of herself for a little while longer.”

On Illium, Shepard tells Kasumi to amuse herself for an hour or two so she and Garrus can talk to Liara alone. “Just don’t get arrested, okay?”

Kasumi snorts. “Please, Shepard. As if the Nos Astra police could catch me.” She disappears into the crowd.

“I always feel like I should be arresting her, just on principle,” Garrus muses.

“I’m pretty sure she’s harmless.” Shepard considers. “Well, mostly.”

Liara is very glad to see them. She shoos Nyxeris away and takes them out to a restaurant where they can lunch and talk in a quiet back room, which Garrus proclaims free of any surveillance devices he can detect. “It’s so good to see you,” Liara sighs, slumping in her seat. “It hasn’t been easy.”

“I know.” Shepard pats her arm. “I’m sorry.”

“You did warn me, after all, but... I didn’t really know. Even with Garrus helping me out, recovering your body was difficult.”

Shepard blinks. “I hadn’t realized you’d been helping her, Garrus.”

He shrugs. “Mostly from a distance. I didn’t want to tip Feron off.”

Over lunch, Shepard outlines their current thinking, to gradually bring other teammates into the conversation. Liara agrees that’s the most workable plan they’ve come up with. Shepard is reassured, too, that Liara seems to be holding up all right under the pressure of their shared secret. They part with a hug and a promise to be back on Illium soon.

#

While they’re fighting their way through Haestrom, Shepard ponders telling Tali right away. She concludes, reluctantly, that they have to put it off. Tali’s going to have too many concerns about Cerberus; she’ll be primed to think that Shepard has come back crazy, or just wrong. She knows she’s going to have to bite the bullet and bring others in sometime, but it never seems like the right time. 

With Tali on board, there’s just one old crew member she needs to track down, and with Ashley she doesn’t quite know what to expect. They’re entering uncharted territory, now.

It takes some effort to get to see Ashley alone. Anderson won’t give her the contact info, so Shepard gets Liara to pull some strings. And when they get to the dingy back room of a bar on the Citadel, Ash is there in civvies, with an unaccustomed hairstyle, and says, “I’m not supposed to be talking to you.”

“Nice to see you, too,” Shepard snaps.

Ashley blinks and squirms. “It’s not like that. I am glad to see you, Skipper, it’s just... seriously, I’m under orders not to be seen with you. But I owe you one.” She glances at Garrus. “Both of you. So here I am. Thought I should at least hear you out.”

Shepard tells her. Not the whole story, not the loop part, just the resurrection-Cerberus-Collectors part. 

“That is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” says Ash, when the story’s done.

Shepard groans. “Not you, too. Kaidan flat-out called me a traitor—”

Ash grimaces. “Ugh. Well. He’s never gotten over you, you know.”

“There was never even anything between us!”

“Yeah, well. I know that, you know that, he even knows that. Doesn’t stop the way he feels. Look, Shepard, I don’t know what you want me to do with this information.”

“Just... okay, I hoped you might join us.”

“I’m a _marine_. And about to be commissioned as an officer.” Ashley shakes her head. “What my dad would have thought of that. I’m not going to turn my back on the Alliance. Let’s say I believed you, I still can’t be associated with Cerberus. Not with my record. Not a Williams. And...” She squirms in her seat a bit. “Look, Udina’s been pushing for a new human Spectre.”

“Already?” Shepard murmurs. Garrus bumps her knee under the table, but Ashley doesn’t notice.

“It’s been two years since you were presumed KIA, Shepard. He doesn’t want to give up that bit of leverage.” She makes a face. “Ugh, I’m learning to think like a politician. So there’s a bunch of us under consideration, but it could be me. Or Kaidan.” She shakes her head. “We dated briefly, about a year ago. Then the Spectre thing came up, and that was that.”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard says.

“It’s fine. It wasn’t ever going to last, anyway. The point is, we’re having to be very, very careful. And...” She hesitates. “Look, if I’m the one they pick, I’ll remember about the Reapers. I won’t just let it slide.”

“Okay.” Shepard hadn’t really expected her to come along, and she’s moderately encouraged that this went better than talking to Kaidan. “Hang in there, Ash.”

“You too, Skipper. Give the Collectors hell.” She turns her attention to Garrus. “You watch her back, Vakarian.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”


	9. Chapter 9

She doesn’t always take care of everyone’s personal business, but this time (which might be the last time) she wants to get things right.

So she helps Jacob, not only for Jacob’s sake, but to help all of the _Hugo Gernsback_ crew, who don’t deserve to be Ronald Taylor’s toys forever. She helps Miranda not only because she wants Miranda’s support, but because Oriana has (as far as Shepard knows) never harmed anyone, and because Henry Lawson reminds her of a James Bond villain. (One loop there was actually a vid made in which James Bond teamed up with “Commander Shepard’’ to take down a sinister intergalactic crime syndicate. It was notable for the smoldering intensity between the two leads, whose actors left their respective partners to hook up in a splashy celebrity scandal. She should check and see if it exists in this loop, though she’s not sure if Garrus would find it amusing or enraging.) She helps Grunt because it is just plain fun to kill a thresher maw on foot, especially when Garrus knows what’s coming and begs her for the use of the grenade launcher, just this once. (She also enjoys the sex afterwards, in the shower, once they have washed off the thresher maw goop.)

One day Garrus comes up to the Loft looking distant. “Hey, what’s wrong?” asks Shepard.

It’s a minute or two before he answers. “I got the tip on Sidonis.”

“Oh.” She crosses the room to sit on the couch next to him. “Should we head for the Citadel, then?”

“Depends on how badly you want to give Harkin a beatdown. I can already tell you I’m going to let Sidonis go.”

The first time through, she’d stood with her head between rifle and target, her heart pounding, her nerves prickling with the awareness of the crosshairs on the back of her skull. She’d never been truly afraid that Garrus would shoot her, even that first time, but she couldn’t help but be aware. And that first time, she’d listened to Sidonis’s faltering excuses and to the rage and pain in Garrus’s voice, and she’d stepped aside. She’d already been more than half in love with him, trying her best to hide it as she wondered whether there was even the slightest chance that her feelings might be returned. And she couldn’t forgive Sidonis for what he’d done, and she’d thought Garrus deserved to handle the situation his way. He hadn’t expressed any regret to her until months later, quietly, a little confession—they’d both done things they regretted, after all, that was simply the nature of what they did—and on subsequent loops, she’d put more effort into saving the traitor’s life, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

Now she leans against his arm on the couch. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s...” He shifts his weight and leans into her. “I mean, I brought him onto the team, knowing what would happen. And I told you before, if it’s not one traitor, it’s another. It’s like there’s a part to play, and he’s the one who has to play it. So... it’s hard to hate him for that. I think... I think he punishes himself enough, honestly.”

She sneaks an arm around him, silent support. “We could just send Bailey a tip about Fade.”

“Yeah. That ought to do the job.”

She’s been thinking about what he said, a moment ago. “Do you remember talking to Javik about similarities between his cycle and this one?”

“Kind of. Why?”

“They had the same kinds of conflicts we did. Different species, similar issues. The rachni wars, the krogan rebellions, the Morning War, even the First Contact War and Cerberus. It’s... like there’s a template, something working behind the scenes to push things in a certain direction.”

He goes very still. “The Reapers?”

“Or the Catalyst. Or something.”

“And you think they’re pushing us in these loops, too?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” She sighs. “I feel like this isn’t a new idea, we already thought it was something to do with the Catalyst or the Crucible. And maybe it doesn’t really matter what’s causing it.”

“Maybe. But I think you said it more clearly just now.” He’s absent-mindedly stroking her leg. “Not everything is the same between cycles. The Prothean Empire was very different from Council Space. As Javik kept reminding us.”

“Mm, yeah. I hope that means we can make a difference here.”

“Me too,” he says quietly.

#

After Tali’s trial, Shepard tells Joker to set course for Illium. She takes Tali and Garrus and meets up with Liara at her apartment. Shepard is nervous, watching while the others scan for bugs. She knows she needs to take a chance, and it seems unfair to keep leaving Tali out of these conversations, but she hates the thought of losing Tali’s trust, considering everything they’ve been through. She’s practiced her speech.

“Tali, there’s something I need to tell you,” she says once they’ve settled down.

“Okay,” says Tali, with a touch of wariness. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes. No. Sort of.” This was not what she’d practiced. “Listen, this is going to sound strange, and I need you to let me finish before you ask questions.”

Tali nods, so Shepard continues, “I seem to be stuck in some kind of... temporal loop. This is the thirteenth time I’ve done this mission. And what comes after, the whole war with the Reapers.” She explains how talking to the Catalyst and making a choice seems to loop her back to the beginning of the mission.

Tali’s eyes have been growing wider. She touches something on her omni-tool and holds it out toward Shepard. “Shepard... are you feeling all right? I know you’ve been under a lot of strain, and who knows what kind of tech Cerberus used to revive you...”

“I’m not delusional,” says Shepard, feeling weary.

Garrus backs her up, just like always. “She’s not. It’s happening to me, too.” 

Tali turns to look at him, her head cocked to the side. “So you’ve gone through all this with her?”

“Not with her. I’ve been in... other loops, I guess, with other Shepards. We got split up after the first time, and we haven’t been back together until now.”

Tali turns to Liara. “What about you?”

Liara shakes her head. “No. I’m not experiencing the loop effect. They’re telling the truth, though. I’ve read it from their memories.”

Tali starts fidgeting, twining her long fingers together. “This is awfully difficult to accept, Shepard.”

“I know. I was hoping... I’d like you to trust me, Tali. We want to find a way to stop it, and I’d like your help.”

She looks at Shepard. “Of course I trust you, Shepard. I just... wish I could verify what you’re saying.” There’s a moment of silence. “Does this mean the Normandy’s destroyed over and over?”

“Yeah. That happens every time.” 

“Keelah. I’m so sorry, Shepard.” She hesitates again. “Are we... going to survive this mission?”

Shepard suddenly gets an idea, and wonders why this didn’t occur to her before. “There’s some variation in the mission, but I think we’re prepared enough this time. Listen, I can tell you exactly what will happen on the Collector Base. You can remember that—in fact, you can record a copy of it—and then you can compare. Would that help convince you?” 

“It would help,” Tali admits. 

Shepard describes their progress through the Collector Base as best she can remember it; pretty well, after all those trips. Garrus fills in some details as they go along. 

“That’s... very detailed,” Tali says when they’ve finished. “I’m nearly convinced just listening to you.” She tips her head to the side. “I wonder if it has anything to do with the dark energy anomalies we’ve been seeing.”

Shepard shrugs. “I really don’t know.”

Garrus points out, “The Crucible does seem to be designed to channel immense amounts of energy.”

“Hm,” says Tali. “The real problem may be to subvert this Catalyst AI you mentioned.”

“That’s one of the reasons I want your help,” Shepard tells her.

Tali nods. “I’ll work on it.”

#

Shepard has been putting off going to Alchera until Garrus catches her scowling at Hackett’s message, wraps his arms around her from behind, and murmurs, “I’ll go with you, if you want.”

“It’s not that big a deal to go alone, it’s just out of our way.”

“Mm-hm. I’m sure that’s exactly why you’ve been putting it off, even though we’ve been to Omega a couple of times since you got the message.”

“Are you spying on my messages?” she grumbles, but there’s no real resentment.

They take the shuttle down to the frozen surface. Shepard looks at the wreckage of her ship, her Normandy, her first command, strewn about her in an arrangment that’s subtly familiar, even though it’s different every time. Her boots crunch in the snow as she walks about, looking at the shattered ship and collecting the sets of tags. Garrus follows her without saying anything; he’s always been good at knowing when to stay silent. She puts the memorial where she usually does, right in front of the piece that bears the ship’s name. 

When she turns around, he’s looking at the frozen hulk of the Mako. “Think you can get it running again?” she asks. 

He snorts. “Please, Shepard. Of course I can get it running. I’ve had plenty of practice.”

“Hm.” She takes a closer look, appraising. “You know... it might just come in handy.” 

It takes the crew a couple of hours to free the tank from the ice. Jacob initially gripes about the effort of getting it on the ship, but then grows surprisingly enthusiastic and winds up helping Garrus with the repairs. Miranda comes down to the cargo hold and looks at them as if the Mako is a noxious insect that they are inexplicably trying to revive. “Commander, I fail to see why you’re wasting time and resources on restoring the M35 when we already have the Hammerhead—”

“Pffft,” says Shepard. “The Mako is far more durable. Plus, it’s more cold-resistant, seats more, and by the time Garrus is done with it, it’ll have better armaments.” She gives Miranda a pleading look. “And it gives me warm, nostalgic feelings. Aren’t you concerned about my psychological well-being?”

Miranda snorts. “Fine, Shepard, have it your way.” She leaves, but there’s a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.


	10. Chapter 10

Mission follows mission, and soon they’re headed to the Omega-4 relay. 

Garrus comes in with wine the night before, but the awkwardness is long gone for both of them. They drink the wine, they talk, they make love with confidence and ease. Lying on the bed after, running her hands over the plates of his chest, Shepard thinks back to that first time: the nervousness, the vulnerability, the general aura of _are we making a mistake_ and _what do you really feel_ over the evening. “I’d say you got your one thing going right,” she says, leaning into his shoulder.

He’s silent, for longer than she expected. She draws back so she can see his face. “Garrus?”

“I think I’m still waiting to make sure it comes out right in the end,” he says. All she can do in response to that is hold on as tight as she can.

They are as prepared as Shepard can make them; she doesn’t think she’s missed any details, not with Garrus to back her up. The Collector Base doesn’t scare her any more, not really. She has had her share of losses, and she remembers every one of them—the teammates carried off by seeker swarms, killed by rockets, or crushed under rubble—but she also knows those deaths are avoidable if they’re careful. And this time they’re going to be careful. If this is going to be the last loop, she doesn’t want to leave anyone behind.

The ship, fully upgraded, holds. Joker’s flying is as brilliant as ever. The whole mission falls into place like a symphony, everyone playing their part. She knows the theme by heart. Tali goes through the vents; Shepard takes her team one way and Garrus leads his the other. She feels a tiny pang of fear at letting any of them out of her sight, but she pushes it down to get the job done. They free the crew and Mordin takes them back to the Normandy. They split the teams a second time. The chatter she’s hearing over the comm tells her that everything is going well. Weeks of experience fighting together makes each team come together. The steady sound of gunfire is melody and harmony and rhythm all in one, blending together into something more than mere noise. That background theme is punctuated by the crack of falling shields, the roar of biotic surges, the whine of the particle beam. 

By the time they’ve reunited, everyone is tired, streaked with sweat and blood. Lots of minor wounds, lots of medi-gel and heat sinks getting passed around. No one is too injured to fight. Everything is just as it should be. 

Shepard takes Garrus and Thane with her to fight the baby Reaper. She shouts for them to aim for the injection tubes before EDI finishes her analysis, and Garrus has his shot off before she finishes speaking. She sets the charge and she’s braced when the damned thing comes crawling back out of its pit.

And then they’re running, firing without aiming as they go, just to keep the Collectors distracted, running, running back to the Normandy; Thane jumps, Garrus jumps, the platforms crumble away, Shepard jumps—

For a moment she thinks _Crap, no, this time I’m not going to make it_ and she thinks maybe Thane gives her a little biotic boost, and then her chest slams into the side of the Normandy, her fingers grapple for a hold, and they’re hauling her up and in.

She checks in with everyone—the spooked crew, the exhausted team members—before finally reporting to Dr. Chakwas, who glares at her even though her wounds are mostly superficial.

Later, Tali catches up to her. Shepard can see that her eyes are wide. “Shepard,” she says, “everything happened just like you said.” Shepard nods. Tali says, “I don’t... I don’t know how you can stand it.”

Shepard’s not quite sure, herself. “I guess we just do what we have to do,” she says.

Tali nods. “And you’re right: we have to end it, if we can.”

#

Shepard tries talking to Mordin first. 

She comes into the lab a couple of days after blowing up the Collector base, Garrus and Tali in tow, and finds the salarian leaning over his console and mumbling to himself, like usual. He looks up and blinks. “Shepard! Analyzing data from Collector Base. Very interesting—”

She interrupts, because there’s just no other way. “I want to hear about it, Mordin, but I want to talk to you about something else first.”

“Additional romantic interactions? Much riskier, involving quarian—”

“No!” Shepard all but shouts before he can get any further down that line of thought. Behind her, Tali stiffens and gasps, and Garrus fidgets uncomfortably. “Just slow down and listen for a few minutes, okay, Mordin?”

Mordin shuts his mouth and nods. Shepard realizes that he’s taking her very literally. She explains about the loops, how she’s on her thirteenth run through this experience, and waits. He looks at her searchingly. “Delusional. Post-traumatic stress? Probable.” He pulls a penlight out of a pocket and shines it into her eyes. Shepard squints against the glare and holds her hand up to block the light.

“I’m not delusional, Mordin. I’m telling the truth.”

“What you think is truth, yes.”

Garrus says, “It’s true. It’s happening to me, too.”

He winces as Mordin turns the light on him. “Shared delusion. Unusual, even for strongly bonded couple. Different species, different psychologies.”

Tali takes a shot at it. “I wasn’t sure whether to believe it, either, but before we went to the Collector Base, Shepard and Garrus told me exactly what it was going to be like. And they were right. I’m convinced.”

“All three, same story. Curious. Ah!” Mordin suddenly looks delighted. “Pranking me?”

Shepard groans. “No, we’re really not. What it would take for you to believe me?”

“Evidence, Shepard. Scientist. Unique, closed loop, as described, impossible.”

“Resurrecting a human being who’s been spaced is also impossible,” Shepard growls.

Mordin blinks. “True.”

Tali offers, “I have a recording of what they told me before the base. Would that help?”

“No. Falsification of date-stamp well within Tali’s capabilities.”

Shepard tries to think. “I can tell you what’s going to happen. The crew’s going to split up, soon, and you’ll go back to Sur’Kesh and find out about several krogan females who survived Maelon’s experiments in STG custody. You’ll work with them—”

Mordin holds up a hand, and she stops. “Don’t influence future decision-making. Time will tell, Shepard.”

Shepard asks, “Could you just pretend you believe us and theorize?”

“Why convince me? Not physicist. Degrees in genetics, medicine, biology, chemistry. Others better qualified—”

“Because I trust you,” Shepard interrupts. “And you’re the smartest person I know. No offense,” she adds to her other companions.

“None taken,” says Garrus. Tali nods.

Shepard goes on, “I’m trying to figure out how we can stop it, what we can do to break the cycle.”

Mordin blinks. “Would suggest, try what you have not done before.” He shakes his head. “Will think on it, Shepard. Will consider predictions, evidence. For now, data to analyze.”

Shepard sighs. “Fine,” she says, and leaves him to his work. In the corridor to the briefing room, she says, “Well, that could have gone better.”

Tali says, “It also could have gone worse. He hasn’t ruled it out yet. He’ll come around.”

#

Miranda is just as difficult.

“This is a very hard story to swallow, Shepard,” she says, looking seriously at Shepard across her desk.

“I know it is, Miranda. I’m asking you to trust me.”

Her gaze drops. “I do trust you, Shepard. I...”

“You’ve already put a lot on the line for me, I know.”

Miranda nods, still looking down. “It was the right decision, destroying the base.”

“I know it’s hard for you, leaving Cerberus behind. I’m telling you this because I trust _you_. I don’t know what’s causing this or how to stop it. I don’t know if it’s... something to do with me, or if it’s this AI that calls itself the Catalyst, or if it’s the Reapers, or the energy release from the Crucible, or what. That’s why I’m trying to consult with people who are smart and tenacious and trustworthy, Miranda. Like you.”

She smiles a little. “Appealing to my ego, Shepard?”

Shepard leans back in her chair. “I figured it couldn’t hurt.”

Miranda taps her fingers on the desk, considering. “It’s an interesting problem. Assuming I believed you. Who else knows?”

“Garrus. Liara. Tali. Mordin. He doesn’t really believe it, either.”

“I’ll think about it. For now, I have a lot of work to do—”

“Miranda.” Shepard leans forward again, getting her attention. “Oriana’s not safe. Your father’s going to go after her again.”

“That’s not much of a prediction, Shepard. Especially now that I’ve turned on Cerberus.” Miranda frowns. “I’m already taking steps to move her to a secure location.”

“Good.” Shepard hesitates. “Miranda, the crew’s going to split up soon. Be careful.”

Miranda looks up. Sharp blue eyes bore into Shepard. “Split up? Why?”

Shepard winces. She still doesn’t like talking about Bahak. She knows it’s a necessity, she knows it always plays out the same way, and she’d still rather not talk about it. She decides to skate over the details. “I’m going to have to report in to the Alliance and turn over the ship. Anyone who doesn’t want to deal with Alliance authorities will leave the crew first.”

Miranda sighs, exasperated. “The Alliance. Always the Alliance. Do you _have_ to go in?”

Shepard manages to smile. “Now you sound like Jack, wanting me to go pirate.”

Miranda scowls. 

#

After those two, Legion surprises her.

She’d had second thoughts about trying to bring the geth in, but if she’s dealing with Ais, mysterious artifacts, energy, and other weird science, it’ll be hard to beat the geth collective’s processing power. 

Legion regards her and Garrus, and Shepard tries really hard not to read expressions into the fluttering panels around its optical beam. “This is not a plausible story, Shepard-Commander.”

“I know. But it’s the truth, and I’m hoping there’s some way I can convince you to trust me.”

“We do trust you, Shepard-Commander. Do you trust us?”

Shepard narrows her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“We can verify by networking with you to access your memories, just as you accessed David Archer’s memories during Project Overlord.”

“Well, that’s just great,” Garrus grumbles. 

Shepard pats his arm. Garrus really hates it when she enters the geth network. Legion turns its head toward Garrus. “We will not harm Shepard-Commander.”

“You don’t need any special equipment to do this?” she asks. 

EDI breaks in. “I can assist with the interface, Shepard.”

Shepard flinches and silently curses herself for forgetting that EDI is always listening. “EDI, how much of this did you hear?”

“The entire conversation, Shepard. I am not sure whether I should have feelings about the fact that you have not approached me.”

“Sorry, EDI. Okay, do you believe me?”

There’s a pause. Rather a long one, considering the speed of EDI’s processing. “You speak with conviction, Shepard. I believe that you believe what you are saying. You have placed great trust in me, and I choose to place trust in you.”

Shepard blinks. “Wow. Thanks, EDI.”

She allows the interface, working through EDI’s console to let Legion network with her, in spite of Garrus’s fretting and grumbling. Of course, he’s there to catch her when the process leaves her a little woozy. “You okay?” he asks softly.

“Fine,” she says, but she has no inclination to push off his embrace just now. “Legion?”

“We have reviewed Shepard-Commander’s memories,” says the geth. “They are consistent with what she has said. We are intrigued with these iterations. We will need to form consensus.”

Shepard takes a deep breath. “Good enough.”


	11. Chapter 11

Liara pulls some strings, and they dock at Illium for repairs. Nothing fancy, since Shepard knows the Alliance is going to do a full retrofit soon. Just enough to keep the Normandy flying. Once Shepard is satisfied that the ship is spaceworthy (okay, really, once Tali, EDI, and Joker are satisfied that the ship is spaceworthy), she goes to Liara with the Shadow Broker data. 

Once they’ve blasted their way through Illium, killed Tela Vasir, located the Shadow Broker’s ship, and put the Broker himself down, Liara stands in front of the bank of displays and gulps. “I... I’m supposed to do this, aren’t I?”

Shepard winces. “You saw that? Really, Liara, not if you don’t want to. I don’t want to push you into this.”

“But you need the data,” says Liara. More and more audio feeds are asking for direction. “And... I do want to... I think.” She closes her eyes, opens them, and steps forward. “This is the Shadow Broker.”

Shepard turns away. Garrus is hauling himself off the floor, swearing. “Every damned time, Shepard,” he gripes, rubbing his head. “You’d think I could dodge it when I know it’s coming.”

“I thought turians didn’t know how to duck.”

Garrus just growls. He’s quiet while they say farewell to Liara and head back to the Normandy, the kind of quiet that means there’s something on his mind. She bumps him with her elbow as they wait for the elevator. “Something you want to talk about?” 

He hesitates. “Yeah. In private.”

She nods. Once they get up to the Loft, he turns toward her and says, “We need to talk about Aratoht.” 

She tenses. “What about it?”

“Don’t do it alone. Take me with you. Or somebody else.”

She’s already shaking her head. “No.”

“Shepard...”

“No.”

“Two days, Shepard. They’ll have you for two days, and you’ll get out of there with moments to spare.”

She folds her arms. “And you know I’ll be all right.”

“Something _could_ go wrong. I’ll still feel better if you’re not alone.”

“I don’t want you implicated in it,” says Shepard. “To work with the Hierarchy, you’re going to need your record clean. But really, I don’t want anyone else implicated in this.”

Kasumi says, “The Alliance is hunting me down anyway. I could help.”

Shepard nearly jumps out of her skin, and both she and Garrus reach for their sidearms. The thief materializes, smiling. “Come on, guys, you know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to startle a marine?” Shepard holsters the weapon. “How much of that did you hear, Kasumi?”

She shrugs. “Enough to get the gist. You’re about to head off and do something dangerous. Nothing unusual about that, except this time you’re going solo.” She perches on the arm of the couch. “I also know about this looping thing you keep telling other people about.”

Shepard groans and covers her eyes with one hand. “Great. This is just great.”

Kasumi says, “Why don’t you tell me about it, Shep, and I’ll see if I can help?”

Garrus says, “She needs to break a woman out of a batarian prison and—”

“Garrus!”

“—and it turns out that she’s indoctrinated and holds Shepard for two days, and Shepard will have to destroy a mass relay to stop the Reaper invasion.”

Kasumi goes very still. “Whoa. What happens when you destroy a mass relay?”

In the silence, Shepard glares at Garrus, who looks unrepentant. Finally Shepard says, “It blows up the entire system with it. Three hundred thousand dead.”

Kasumi purses her lips. “What if you don’t destroy the mass relay?”

“Then the Reapers invade. That relay is like a master key to the relay network; from there they can hit every relay at once.” She shakes her head. “We can’t—we’re not ready.” She looks at Garrus. “You need six months to prepare the Hierarchy. Anderson and Hackett need more time to work on the Alliance. Tali can do some good with the Admiralty Board—”

Garrus doesn’t quite snort, but it’s close. “Have you even tried to change it, Shepard?”

“I—” She’s never tried bringing someone else along. She’s tried changing the scenario in different ways, but it always seems to work out the same. She’s almost resigned herself to it. Not only to the three hundred thousand deaths on her conscience, but the fact that the Reapers hit the batarians first. Their deaths buy time for the rest of the galaxy. 

Almost resigned, but not quite. “We need more time,” she says. “Time to prepare. It’s better if the Reapers hit us system by system. Ruthless calculus. You know this, Garrus. Why are you pushing this?”

“Because I see how it weighs on you. And because they’ll lock you up for months for this.”

Kasumi offers, “If I come along I can probably break you out of wherever they’re holding you before two days are up.”

Shepard sighs. “EDI, are you listening?”

“Yes, Shepard.”

“Is it possible to evacuate the Bahak system in 48 hours?”

“That depends on how many vehicles are available for evacuation, Shepard. The Batarian Hegemony’s Ministry of Information Control makes accurate estimation difficult. There are believed to be several batarian military installations in the system, but the Alliance does not have good intelligence regarding how many or how large.”

“Can you give me a guess?”

“I do not guess, Shepard, I estimate. It is theoretically possible to evacuate the population within the period specified. However, I also estimate less than 5% probability that your warning will be believed.”

Shepard swallows. Honestly, she’s faced worse. “Well. We won’t know unless we try.”

#

She and Kasumi drop onto Aratoht. Shepard still wants to shield Garrus and the others from any ties to the situation, so it’s just the two of them. Shepard tells Kasumi, “Whatever you do, don’t let Kenson see you. And if I get overwhelmed on the Project base— when I get overwhelmed—stay back.”

She nods. “Will do, Shep. You can count on me.”

With Kasumi as her guide, Shepard actually manages to get to Kenson without attracting any attention. When they reach their stolen shuttle, Shepard holds the door for a moment, over Kenson’s protests, long enough for Kasumi to get aboard and tap Shepard’s arm to indicate that she’s done so. As they fly to the asteroid, Shepard considers confronting Dr. Kenson. The woman catches Shepard’s glance. “What?”

Shepard licks her dry lips, unsure of the risk. “Are you sure you’re not indoctrinated, Dr. Kenson?”

She blinks several times, rapidly. “Of course I’m not. The Project is intended to _stop_ the Reapers.” For a moment a shadow passes over her face. Then she shakes it off. “I couldn’t be indoctrinated.”

Of course, she is indoctrinated.

Shepard suspects that Kasumi is helping her out in the fight at Object Rho, but she never sees the thief. Eventually the indoctrinated troops overwhelm her.

She wakes up to Kasumi saying, “Hey. Hey, Shep. Are you okay?”

She groans. Her head feels like it’s been stomped by a herd of elcor. She sits up and finds herself in the Project’s lab. Kasumi is watching her anxiously. “I let them patch you up,” she says. “Then I took out the medtech, but I wasn’t sure I’d given you the right dosage to bring you around.”

“Well. Here I am,” says Shepard. “How long was I out?”

“Three hours, about.”

Shepard hauls herself off the gurney. “All right. Let’s do this.”

They still have to fight their way through the station, activate the Project, and fight their way to the comm tower and extraction point. When they get to the array where Shepard can attempt to warn the batarians, Kasumi waves her off. 

“This is what we came here for,” Shepard points out.

“Yes, but we don’t want them to trace the signal to here, or they’ll find out and stop the asteroid,” Kasumi points out. 

They send the warning after Kasumi’s made some modifications to the signal, get themselves to the comm tower, and wait. The Normandy can pick them up any time, but Shepard thinks it’s best to wait until they’re sure the asteroid will actually hit the mass relay. She asks EDI to keep track of the batarians. She wants to give them as long as possible to evacuate.

“They are beginning evacuation procedures, Shepard,” EDI informs them after a couple of hours. “They are also attempting to locate the Project.”

“Can you interfere with their scanners so they can’t find us?”

“I will attempt to do so.”

More waiting. Shepard paces. She and Kasumi take it turns to sleep. Garrus suggests, over the comm, that _now_ someone else could come spell them, and Shepard refuses. 

In spite of everything, the batarians do not completely evacuate before the mass relay is destroyed. There’s too much squabbling among batarian authorities; it turns out that the initial evacuation efforts were authorized by a minor official, and his superiors attempt to stop it later, calling the warning lies and propaganda. And most of those left behind to die were slaves. But those were the batarians’ choices, not Shepard’s, and she sleeps a little easier that night.

She still has to face the consequences of what she did. The batarians are enraged and demand extradition; the Alliance asks that she turn herself in. Shepard lets Garrus, Miranda, and the rest of the team draw up extraction plans if things go differently than she thinks they will. In the meantime, she makes plans to take everyone home.

She’s pretty sure, from hints that Hackett and Anderson drop, that she’s facing her usual time of house arrest. The question is what to do with all that damned free time on her own. Typically she runs and swims and lifts weights, but it’s hard for her workouts to take up more than four or so hours a day. The first time around she got bored and started reading. Trashy novels at first, then eventually classic human literature. By this time she’s worked her way through the major classics of every alien culture (and found she kind of likes asari epic poetry) and tried out a bunch of crafts. None of them really stuck as a hobby. Maybe this time she’ll go back to trying to learn the turian language. 

With any luck, this time the loop we’ll end, and she’ll get to use that knowledge when she retires with Garrus.

#

They’ve already made stops at Omega and Illium and in the middle of nowhere, for Legion to rejoin the geth collective. The Citadel is their last stop before Earth. Most of the crew will disembark here. 

Shepard’s in her cabin tidying up her stuff when the door slides open behind her. “Hey,” says Garrus softly.

“Hey.” She turns around and sees the look on his face. “Only six months this time. It’ll be fine.”

“Six months, you think,” he corrects.

She raises her eyebrows. “You were the one who wanted to play Aratoht differently.”

He winces and looks away. “I know.”

She immediately feels bad. _I told you so_ , always a crap move to pull. She crosses to him and touches the side of his face. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I’m glad we saved some lives.”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I just hate not being able to be there.”

“Only six months,” she says. “Come on, Garrus, where’s your sense of optimism?”

He looks down and pats down his pockets as if he’s looking for it. Shepard starts laughing. Garrus looks over his shoulder and then scratches his head. “I don’t know, Shepard. Maybe it fell out of the Mako some time or other.”

“You can’t use that one any more,” she protests through her laughter. “I’ve gotten really good at driving that thing.”

“I rode with you when you weren’t,” he counters.

She winds her arms around him and looks up into his dear, familiar, alien face. For a moment, she’s struck by the unlikeliness of all of it, not just the bizarro space-vid loop plot they’ve been living through, but the sheer implausibility of finding love and trust and support in the arms of a stranger from another planet. She shakes herself out of it. “Yeah, you did. That’s why I’m glad you’re here.”

He hugs her back and leans his forehead against hers. “So. Six months, you say.”

“Six lonely months.”

“Lonely?”

She leans into him. “Locked up under house arrest, and nobody but James to keep me company.” She sighs theatrically.

“Oh, that’s a real shame.” His hands find their way under her shirt. “Now me, I’m going back to Palaven. So many turian women on Palaven, did you know? Just about every other person you see is female.”

“Shut up,” she laughs.

“And _millions_ of them are unattached.”

“You would never.” She plants a series of kisses along his neck and jaw.

His breath catches, and he kisses her back. “You’re right. I would never.”

They don’t say much more for the rest of the night; touches, sighs, and groans communicate enough.

#

In the end, it’s just Joker, EDI, Shepard, Dr. Chakwas, and a tiny skeleton crew that brings the ship back to Earth. Shepard puts on her dress blues, a perfectly-tailored uniform shipped to her just for the occasion. Before heading out the airlock to make her surrender, she tells Joker, “Whatever you do, don’t let them take away the Mako.”

Joker blinks at her. “They’re about to arrest me, too, Shepard. What the hell do you think I can do about it?”

Oops. She forgot the Joker doesn’t know he’s going to be consulting with the retrofit team. Fortunately for her, EDI intervenes. “I will endeavor to prevent anyone from removing the Mako, Shepard.”

“Why do you care, anyway?” asks Joker.

Shepard sets her jaw. “It’s _my_ Mako. And it stays with the Normandy.” She thinks, _Besides, it still might come in handy._

#

Six months. 

House arrest _sucks_.

Shepard works out. Every day. Hours a day.

She asks for schematics for the Citadel, so she can try to figure out where that spot where she’s talked to the Catalyst is. Anderson looks at her skeptically and refuses. Security concerns. She rolls her eyes. She’s not planning to blow the place up.

Unless it’s really, really necessary.

Liara manages to smuggle her some plans, which she studies surreptitiously. Liara also manages to get her the occasional letter from Garrus or Tali or another friend. Those she reads again and again. Anderson checks up on her now and then. Kaidan and Ashley are nowhere to be seen.

She re-reads her favorite works of literature. She goes through the lessons from _Humans CAN Learn Turian! (with omni-tool app to simulate harmonics)_. She downloads a calendar app, too. She remembers the date of the Reaper invasion.

And she marks off the days.


	12. Chapter 12

“Christ almighty,” Shepard mutters to herself. Then, experimentally, in turian, “ _Spirits grant me patience_.”

Liara gives her a funny look.

She’s standing in the research facility on Mars, waiting for Liara to finish what she’s doing at the console.

She’s also kind of regretting that she sent James back to guard the shuttle, because Kaidan and Ashley are both here, and they cannot. stop. bickering. If Ash hadn’t already told Shepard that the two of them had dated, she would have guessed it immediately. Shepard can’t even quite tell what they’re arguing _about_. Cerberus. Shepard herself. The thing is, it seems as though they kind of agree that they’re suspicious of Shepard, and yet they’re still arguing with each other. It’s like they’re so irritated with each other that they’re completely ignoring Shepard.

Almost completely. Shepard decides to put a stop to it. “Hey! Straighten up, both of you. We have a mission here, in case you’d forgotten.”

Kaidan’s jaw clenches. Ashley looks abashed. “Sorry, Skip- uh, Shepard,” she says, flipping her hair out of her face. Shepard rolls her eyes.

As they proceed through the base, blowing up Cerberus goons along the way, Shepard finds herself getting antsy. She doesn’t know how this is going to go. And—okay—she can admit it, if only to herself: she really wants to get off Mars so that she can check in at the Citadel and then go to Menae.

She’s hoping they can find Dr. Eva early enough that she can’t make a run for it. Unfortunately, the two Spectres-in-training may not be arguing any more, but they’re still eyeing each other suspiciously and jostling each other for position. Shepard stomps over toward them. “What the fuck is the matter with you?” she hisses. “Millions of people are dying on Earth and Palaven, and you two are acting like _children_.”

Kaidan’s eyes narrow. “Palaven? How would you know that?”

Shit. Tactical error. “I don’t know anything,” Shepard lies, “but if the Reapers are here, it stands to reason they’re elsewhere. Why wouldn’t they hit the biggest fleet in the galaxy first?”

Ash says, “Are you sure your friends in Cerberus didn’t tell you something?”

For a moment, both of them glare at her, their hostility to each other temporarily put aside. Shepard rolls her eyes. “We’ve been over this and over this,” she says.

“Shepard!” shouts Liara from somewhere behind her. “The data!”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Shepard snarls, and takes off running.

She thinks the others are at her heels, but she doesn’t have time to stop and check; she just pounds after Dr. Eva, cursing the speed of the damned mechanical body and the weight of her own armor. She bursts out onto the platform, where the Cerberus agent is leaping into her shuttle, and somehow Ashley goes pelting past Shepard, firing at the shuttle, almost on top of it. Shepard shouts for her to get back, but she doesn’t, and when James slams their own Kodiak into the enemy one, Ash goes flying. Kaidan bolts over to check on Ash, and the mech seizes him as soon as it emerges from the smoke. Shepard shoots, emptying half a clip from her submachine gun into the android before it drops, and swears, loudly. She hadn’t counted on losing both of them now. She and Liara and James scramble to get them both onto the shuttle and off the planet.

Later, Liara comes in and hands her the medical reports. Kaidan has head trauma, Ashley has fractures and burns from the shuttle; the automated medical systems are working to keep them both unconscious and stable until a real doctor can see them. “Did you know this was going to happen?” Liara asks. 

“Not exactly,” Shepard says. “This is the first time they’ve both been here. I thought one of them might not get hurt.” She sighs. “I guess I was wrong.”

Liara nods. “They should recover, with proper care.”

“Yeah. I hope so.” Liara pats her hand. Shepard hopes not only that they get better, but that by saving both of them she hasn’t made a terrible mistake.

The best she can do for now is haul them both to the Normandy and tell Joker to proceed to the Citadel as quickly as possible. 

#

The Citadel is much the same as ever. Shepard has to fight the urge to twirl her finger in cirles, urging Sparatus to speed up while he explains what he needs her to do. Menae. Primarch. War summit. Got it.

She checks on her wounded, still unconscious friends at the hospital and stops by Bailey’s office before she goes. While she’s there a couple of things occur to her. “Hey, Bailey? Is there a plan for evacuating the Citadel?”

He frowns. “Evacuating the Citadel? There’s more than thirteen million people here, Shepard. Not counting the refugees. There were some emergency plans drawn up after Sovereign’s attack, but I don’t think they’re up to date.”

Shepard winces. She’s never been sure just what happens to the refugees and the rest of the Citadel population once the Reapers take control and move the station to Earth orbit. Judging from that corridor she has to stagger through when she first gets there… nothing good. But she hates to think of them as prey for the Reapers, after all they’re suffered, and after all she tries to do to help them. “It might be a good idea to bring those up to date,” she says firmly.

Bailey gives her a hard look. Shepard says nothing. “I suppose it might be a good idea, at that,” he says slowly. “Any other advice for me, Shepard?”

For a split second she wonders if Bailey knows, too, if that’s part of his world-weary attitude. Watching him carefully, she shrugs. “Watch the politicians, maybe. I never did like Udina.”

“Duly noted,” says Bailey. She exchanges a few more pleasantries with him and leaves his office, not sure what to think.

#

Shepard drops onto Menae almost bouncing with anticipation. She has to rein herself in as she and James and Liara make their way through the turian camp. She sobers up as she is reminded of how bad the situation is. It’s hard to tell unless you’re familiar with turians, but the ones they meet are exhausted, worn down and on edge. They will dig in and keep fighting with grim determination, because they’re turians, but it has to be taking everything they’ve got to keep on when Reapers stalk the horizon, when their home planet hangs burning in the sky, and when there’s a new wave of attackers every few minutes. 

Still, her heart is pounding with anticipation as her team activates the comm tower and rejoins General Corinthus, and she can’t stop the smile that’s tugging at her mouth when Garrus actually makes his appearance, striding in with easy confidence, and clasps her hand in both of his. “You’re right on time, Shepard,” he remarks in a low voice as they head out to locate Victus.

“Well, I do hate to keep you waiting,” she says.

He snorts. “You keep me waiting all the time.”

“Hm. Maybe I need to make that up to you.”

“Maybe you do,” he returns. James pretends to ignore them.

Back on the Normandy, Shepard confers with Victus, congratulates EDI on her shiny new body, and makes the rounds of the crew. They’re adapting pretty well, considering most of them were part of the retrofit team and never expected to be in combat. She saves the main battery for last, as usual, and waits until Garrus is done talking to Victus.

“So,” he says, propping one arm against the battery array. “Is this the part where I ask you if you still have feelings for me?”

She smiles. “As adorable as that was, I think we can skip that part if you want to.”

“Adorable? Hm.” He rubs the side of his neck with his free hand. “I don’t know how I feel about that—”

She moves in for a kiss, deep and lingering. When she pulls back, she says, “It’s a good thing. Trust me.”

“Well. I suppose I’ll take your word for it.”

“ _You know you can trust me_ ,” she tells him, somewhat haltingly, in his own language.

“Of course I—” He pauses and blinks. “Did you… did you learn the Hierarchy standard dialect?”

“I had to have something to occupy my time the last six months.”

“I can’t believe you did that.” He leans down toward her and brushes his face against hers, brow to brow, then cheek to cheek. She inhales his familiar scent, gun oil and metal and something smoky, and turns her head so that she can kiss the side of his neck. His breath catches, and he replies in his own way, mouthplates and tongue brushing across her skin.

She swallows, aware of her accelerating heartbeat. “ _I missed you_.”

He slides one hand through her hair. “I missed you too.” She can hear the words she’s learned to say, even through the translation layer.

“ _I want you_ ,” she breathes, and finds one of the latches for his chestplate, opening it up with a click.

He laughs, warm vibration against her throat. “Wrong verb. You’d use that one for… I want a better gun, or something. Only for objects.”

“You’re missing the point,” she says in English.

“What? Here and now?”

She undoes the next latch. “Yes, here and now. I wanted you for six damned months, Garrus. Whichever verb I should be using.”

“Can’t argue with that,” he agrees, and then his hands are undoing the fastenings of her jacket and her trousers. She works faster at his armor. His chestplate falls to the deck with a clang, and she’s distracted because he’s pushed down her pants and underwear. She’s not even sure when he got his gloves off, but they are, and his fingers are moving between her legs, warm and deft, strong and gentle. His name leaves her lips on a ragged breath, and she leans back, letting the machinery behind her hold her up as her knees start to shake. 

He coaxes her to the brink of climax and then… stops, leaving her trembling and breathing hard. She pries her eyes open, indignant, to find that he’s shedding… well, not all his armor, but the most necessary bits. She hastily kicks off her own boots and pants, so she’s ready when he picks her up. She hooks her thighs around his waist, holds onto his shoulders as he adjusts her position, and cries out as he slides home. It doesn’t take long for her to find release, pleasure spiraling through her, leaving her spent and sweaty and breathing hard. Garrus follows a little later, his whole body shuddering. 

“ _It’s good to see you again_ ,” she tells him, deliberately using a super-polite formulaic greeting, and Garrus starts laughing and can hardly stop. She grins, inordinately pleased with herself that she can do that to him, in spite of Earth and Palaven and the Reapers and his family, and she dares to hold on hope that they can actually win this time, and not just cycle back to the beginning again.


	13. Chapter 13

Not long after, EDI comes into Shepard’s cabin and asks to speak with her, which surprises her. “You don’t have to walk everywhere, you know. I know perfectly well that we can speak without that.”

“I am aware of that, but I have observed that many of the crew prefer to have a humanoid simulacrum to talk to.”

Shepard shrugs. “Fair enough. What’s on your mind this time, EDI?”

“I do not understand why you have not spoken to Jeff regarding the temporal iterations.”

Shepard frowns. “Do you think I should?”

“I am merely seeking to understand your thought processes. You have told the rest of your closest crewmates.”

“Well… it’s true that I’ve talked to Garrus and Liara and Tali about it, and not Joker. But a big part of that is that they might be able to help… change… whatever needs to be changed. I need Joker flying the Normandy, and I don’t think there’s much he can do to affect whatever happens on the Citadel from there. The other thing—” She hesitates.

EDI cocks her head. “Yes?” 

Her mannerisms are marvelously natural, but Shepard doesn’t let herself get distracted. “The other thing is, I know he feels guilty about not evacuating the first Normandy. I don’t know if he wants to know that that… always happens.” She remembers being angry at him, a long time ago, back on one of the early loops. She hasn’t been angry at him for a while. 

EDI blinks. “I believe I understand.”

“Do you think I should tell him?” Shepard asks. She’s genuinely curious what EDI’s opinion is.

“Perhaps,” the AI says slowly, “you are correct not to inform him. I will think about it.”

Shepard nods, not entirely surprised. EDI seems satisfied, but the incident makes her wonder. Has she told enough people? Too many? The right ones? She’s not sure, and it’s one of the things she frets over at night, when she can’t sleep, when she stares at the ceiling and tries to stay quiet so she doesn’t wake Garrus.

#

Her uncertainty only increases a few days later. They’ve just returned from Eden Prime, and she’s trying to debrief Javik down in port cargo. Her mind wanders a bit once Liara has left, she’s asking him something about how Protheans exchange memories, and suddenly she realizes something and freezes.

“Javik,” she says, “just how much of my memories have you seen?”

He gives her that contemptuous look out of his four odd yellow eyes. “It only now occurs to you to ask? You have met me before, human. Over and over. I see your experience clearly, the AI that pretends to be a child. You should not trust it.”

Not for the first time, Shepard has to resist the urge to punch the Prothean in the face. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugs, his gleaming, layered armor shifting. Funny how some gestures translate across species and millennia. “It would have served no purpose. Do you know why you have failed?”

Her hands ball up into fists. “Do _you_ know?”

“I do not. I merely hoped you had taken steps to alleviate your previous tactical failures.”

“I don’t even know what’s going on,” she says through gritted teeth. “I’m going to try things differently this time. I want to get a full team up to the Citadel. I figure at least we’ll have more options for dealing with it that way. Are you in?”

He tilts his massive head, and she wishes the Cipher gave her a better idea of how to read that proud, alien face. “A chance to end the cycles once and for all? You did not even need to ask.”

#

And then, after they relieve Grissom Academy, they’re giving the surviving staff and students a ride back to the Citadel, and David Archer approaches her on the crew deck. “Commander Shepard,” he says, uncertainly.

Shepard smiles. “Hi, David. How are you doing?”

He doesn’t make eye contact. “Okay. I’m okay. I wanted to thank you for helping me.”

“I was glad to do it, David. You deserve better than that.” She’s still mad at Gavin Archer. Maybe, she thinks, this time she’ll find an opportunity to hit him.

David is still looking down, and he mutters, so quietly she almost doesn’t hear him, “Not only this time all the other times too.”

She’s startled and reaches out to catch his wrist before he goes by, but holds herself back when he flinches. “David? What do you mean?”

He almost, but doesn’t quite, meet her gaze. “I saw, the geth saw you remember.”

Of course. She and he were networked, for a little while. If she saw his memories, it only makes sense that he saw some of hers. She hopes that her memories haven’t done him any harm. “Do you have any ideas about how to stop the loops?” she asks.

His shoulders hunch. “Something different. Break the pattern. No. I don’t know.”

She nods, not wanting to pressure him any further. “Thank you, David.”

He goes off whispering square roots to himself. Shepard, after a moment’s uncertainty, heads down to the battery.

“Hey, Garrus. Do you have a minute?”

He turns from his work. On seeing her face he says, “Sure. What do you need?”

“Javik knows,” she says. “And David Archer does. Because they’ve both been in my head.” She rubs the back of her neck. “I don’t—am I making the right call? Have I talked to right people? Should I just tell the whole crew?”

“Hey.” He puts a hand on her shoulder. “What exactly do you think most of the crew would do with that information? Handling it this way makes sense.”

“Okay. Okay.” She runs her fingers through her hair. “I think I needed to hear someone else say that.”

“Shepard. Your problem is that you’re just not used to doing things when you don’t know how they’re going to come out, any more.”

She smiles, ruefully. “You’re right.” This loop is full of surprises; it’s been a while since she made a move without understanding the consequences.

“You used to be good at improvising.” He gives her that cocky smirk. “Some of us still are.”

She laughs, and her tension breaks. “Just make it up as we go along, hm?”

“Exactly. Just like—”

“—old times,” she finishes with him.


	14. Chapter 14

The war summit and the mission on Sur’Kesh go pretty much as normal. Shepard has the usual argument with Dalatrass Linron, Wrex annoys the salarians, she takes a team down to retrieve Mordin and Bakara. Eve, she reminds herself; she shouldn’t be calling the krogan woman by her secret name yet.

Cerberus shows up on schedule, too, and Shepard reminds herself to do something about them sooner rather than later. She knows the location of the Illusive Man’s base, after all. The plans for the coup may be already in place, and she’d like to flush out Kai Leng, but moving on Cerberus early could save them a lot of trouble later on. She makes a mental note to have Liara look into some of these things. 

Once they’re back on the Normandy and Eve has settled in the medbay, Mordin pulls Shepard aside, into the AI core, where they won’t be overheard.

“Shepard. Predictions accurate. Perhaps not delusional after all.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mordin,” she says.

“No matter of confidence. Evidence.” He blinked his large dark eyes. “What next, Shepard?”

She should have seen this coming. The thought of telling him about the outcomes, about his own demise, makes her feel a little ill. She shifts her weight uneasily. “Well…”

“Genophage cure successful?”

“Yes,” she says. “I don’t actually understand the details, but you’ll find a way to cure the genophage and also save Eve.”

He nods once. “Cure distribution atmospheric, via Shroud facility?”

“Yeah. Listen, Mordin—”

She’s fidgeting in place, and he cuts her off. “STG countermeasures?”

She sighs. “Yes.”

“Logical.”

He’s about to go on, but this time Shepard gets to interrupt. “Mordin, usually this mission costs you your life. Unless I—”

“Shepard. Do not sabotage cure. Am old for salarian, already.” He inhales sharply. “Prefer to go out on a high note.”

She bites her lip. Her eyes are prickling. “Are you sure? Maybe we can find another way… it’s just that the whole building is collapsing, there’s a thresher maw and a Reaper and… it’s kind of a long story, actually.”

He blinks. “Interesting. If safe extraction possible, acceptable. But do not compromise cure.”

Shepard sighs. “Okay.”

“Tell me everything later? Must work on cure now.”

#

“Do you think I should tell Wrex about the bomb?” Shepard asks Garrus before the head out to relieve the turian unit.

His mandibles sag into an appalled expression. “Spirits, no, Shepard. He’ll be pissed as hell, he’ll go shout at Victus, and both of them will want to know how you know.”

She sighs. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” 

She looks for something non-lethal to throw at him and settles for a datapad, which bounces harmlessly off his armored chest. “You’re getting too cocky for your own good,” she warns him, and sighs again. “I’d just like to find a way of dealing with the bomb without Tarquin Victus getting killed.”

Garrus cocks his head at her. “He redeems himself, Shepard.”

“Does he really need to die to do that?” she demands. “It’s not good enough if he disarms the bomb and lives? Because if it’s not, then I have to seriously question turian values, Garrus.”

He shuffles in place and ducks his head. “I… no. You’re right. Better to have a live soldier.”

“I’d like to save someone if I can,” she says quietly. “Mordin is insisting it has to be him, I can’t compromise the cure, and I don’t know if we can evacuate him in time. I’m tired of losing people.”

“I know.” After a moment, he says, “Biotics? Can someone catch him?”

“And shield him from the blast. Maybe.” Shepard makes a decision. “You and me, and both Liara and EDI for that mission. Let’s try this with extra hands.”

First they have to relieve Tarquin’s embattled squad. That mission is straightforward and successful; Shepard brings Garrus and James. She would have given Garrus a break, but he has this way of looking at her reproachfully whenever she even considers leaving him behind.

A few hours later, she gives Garrus, EDI, and Liara a terse briefing. “Why is it important to save this particular soldier, Shepard?” EDI asks. 

“I’d like to save as many as I can,” Shepard says. “And I’d like to use this foreknowledge to do some good.”

She expects more questions, but the AI merely nods. Liara nods as well. “I’ll do my best to keep close to him, Shepard.”

The mission plan is this: Shepard and Garrus keep moving to deal with the Cerberus forces. EDI and Liara stay close to Tarquin’s position to assist. Between waves of assault troopers, Shepard opens a private comm channel to EDI and asks if she can do anything to speed up disarming the bomb.

“It is old tech, Shepard,” EDI tells her. “It was designed to be simple to set off and difficult to tamper with. Lieutenant Victus is correct that it will require manual disarming.”

Shepard mutters a curse about turians and their overly effective fail-safes. She opens up another channel to Liara and tells her to be ready. She half wishes Jack or Samara were here and feels a little guilty about it.

Finally, she dispatches the last Cerberus soldier and bolts back toward the bomb, not sure what she can do, but desperate to do something. She sees Tarquin go flying as the structure collapses, and sees, too, the blue field that surrounds him, both shielding him from debris and slowing his fall. He still hits the ground hard. Shepard arrives to find Liara staggering, wiping blood from her nose, while the young turian picks himself off the ground and stares at them, shocked.

“I was prepared to die,” he says, and he sounds very, very young. 

“Not today, Lieutenant,” she tells him.

Garrus claps him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he says dryly, “You’ll have other opportunities to serve as well as risk your neck.”

#

Saving Tarquin is a victory. She’ll take it. Mordin needs some more time to work on the cure, which gives Shepard time to gnaw her fingernails to the quick. They still haven’t manged to track down Kai Leng; she’s sent Tali a couple of messages but hasn’t gotten a response. For that matter, she can’t get a response from most of the other people she’s trying to locate, either. On the plus side, she did manage to get in touch with Kasumi, so that’s a relief.

But not as many pieces are in place as she’d like, and she suits up for the final mission on Tuchanka, with her stomach tight from anxiety. She’s running out of options. She wants to talk to Mordin before they drop, but he’s deliberately avoiding her, the slippery salarian bastard. 

So they head down and join up with the krogan ground forces headed toward the Shroud. It’s all familiar: the Reaper, the lost krogan city, the Mother of All Thresher Maws. When she’s sprinting toward the maw hammers, dodging Reaper limbs and blasts, she doesn’t have a lot of spare brainpower to make plans. And the problem is, she can’t think of a way to get Mordin out before the Shroud tower shakes itself to pieces.

“Mordin…” she says, putting out a hand before he goes up to finish and distribute a cure. “It’s not safe. I can’t…”

His eyes are steady and serious. “Told you, Shepard. Do not compromise cure. Has to be me.”

“Someone else might get it wrong,” she whispers.

“Exactly. Glad you understand.”

She doesn’t want to, but she does. “Mordin… it’s been an honor.”

“Likewise, Commander.”

He goes in. Shepard calls Cortez on the comm. She’d ordered him on standby with the shuttle hours ago. “Steve, Mordin might need an emergency evac. Can you get here?”

“On my way, Commander.”

She waits and watches, but as the air fills with glimmering particles, and the building in front of her crumbles, she fears it’s going to be too late.

She already knows before Cortez calls in, and barely processes the words: “I’m sorry, Commander, he wouldn’t leave the workstation…” The rest she doesn’t really hear.

She returns to the Normandy with a heavy heart. There’s not much time for grief. Not much time for the krogan to celebrate, either. Bakara goes out to the clans. Animosity gone, Victus and Wrex are already working out the logistics of getting krogan warriors to Palaven. The Normandy sets course to rendezvous with a turian patrol that will take Victus and his men back to their homeworld. She can see in the Primarch’s demeanor that he’s eager to get back in the fight, as eager as he is grateful for his son’s survival. 

Shepard makes her usual rounds, finding a measure of comfort in the routine. In the medbay, she chats with Dr. Chakwas, and then the older woman hands her an OSD. “I think Mordin left this for you,” she says gently.

“Thanks.” Shepard takes it and goes up to her quarters. When she slots the OSD into her terminal to take a look at it, an audio file starts playing.

“Shepard,” says Mordin’s voice. “Do not anticipate own survival. No hard feelings. Not possible to save all friends. Nearing end of natural life. Genophage cure worth the time.” An audible inhale. “Have stored all notes, speculation regarding Catalyst, AI, Crucible, Reapers. Not physicist, nor AI specialist. Still, may prove useful. Hope it helps. Best of luck.”

She’ll have to give the data to Liara, she thinks. As she flicks through the rest of the files, she’s overwhelmed by the sheer number of them, despite Mordin’s protests that he wouldn’t be much help. She breaks down and cries, for the first time in a while. She’s still crying when Garrus lets himself in, wraps his arms around her, and quietly strokes her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to figure out a way to save Mordin, but he was just completely uncooperative.


	15. Chapter 15

Shepard is poised for battle as they approach the Citadel. She remembers the first time, when she was blindsided by the whole thing. This time, she’s tried to set a few plans in motion, and she hopes she’s prepared enough. “Garrus and Liara, with me,” she orders, as soon as it’s clear they’re going in by shuttle. “James, EDI, Javik, suit up and be ready to provide backup.”

Once they’ve fought their way in through C-Sec and located Bailey, Shepard calls in the second team to help secure C-Sec headquarters. She, Garrus, and Liara, push on in pursuit of the salarian councilor and Kai Leng. She has a fleeting thought that maybe she should have warned Thane more specifically what to expect, but there’s no time for more than that. They follow the councilor’s trail, and when Leng appears, things move very quickly. Thane seems to come out of nowhere, even though Shepard knew he was coming, to keep the assassin occupied. Shepard rushes to secure the salarian councilor, get him safely into custody and out of harm’s way.

Thane and Leng are moving so quickly that it’s hard to get a clear shot at Leng. She tries a few, and hears Garrus and Liara do the same, but the assassin’s powerful shielding holds. “Garrus, concentrate on taking his shields down,” she says. 

“On it.”

“Liara, any chance you can get that sword out of his hand?”

“I’ll try, Shepard.”

Shepard readies herself to take advantage of any opening, knowing the right moment may come quickly. Then the regular _pop_ of Garrus’s overloads is magnified into a _crash_. Shepard fires, instinctively, and gets Leng in the shoulder. His sword arm. Good. She just registers that that _crash_ had to come from a second, coordinated overload attack…

… and Kasumi materializes behind Leng and stabs him in the back. Thane takes the opening provided, seizes the sword from Kai Leng’s hand, and sinks it through his throat. The Cerberus assassin staggers and spits blood. As he collapses, Shepard steps forward and puts a round between his cybernetic eyes. 

“Good thing I got here in time,” Kasumi says. “Nice to see you all again.”

“Everyone all right?” Shepard asks.

Thane is breathing hard, but nods. Kasumi says, “Just fine.”

Shepard’s shoulders finally relax. She opens up her comm line. “Bailey, the assassin’s down. The salarian councilor is secure, no casualties.”

“I’ll send a C-Sec team to escort the councilor, Shepard. Nice work. Cerberus is still jamming comms, though. We haven’t been able to reach the rest of the Council. We think Major Alenko and Lieutenant Commander Williams are with them, but we can’t reach them, either.”

Shepard gestures to her own team; Liara and Kasumi both nod and set to work with their omni-tools. She asks EDI to assist Bailey with breaking through the Cerberus jamming.

Minutes pass, and the C-Sec guard arrives for the councilor. That’s when EDI breaks in, saying, “Shepard, there is a second assassination team pursuing the other councilors.”

“What?” Shepard gestures, and her own people form up around her. “Where?”

Garrus snags them a C-Sec skycar and takes the controls, while Shepard, Liara, Kasumi, and Thane pile in, and EDI gives her the coordinates. At least Leng isn’t with them, disabling their vehicle, she thinks, just as Garrus swears and jerks the skycar to the side. “Nemesis,” he reports tersely. “Krios—”

“Understood.” Thane takes Garrus’s rifle while Kasumi opens the nearest window. Shepard checks her own window, on the other side of the car, and uses her assault rifle to lay down suppressing fire when she catches a glimpse of one of the Cerberus snipers. She hears the crack of the rifle in Thane’s hands a moment later, followed by one of his familiar prayers, and she smiles to herself. She’s missed working with both Thane and Kasumi.

With EDI’s guidance and Shepard and Thane covering the skycar’s sides, they continue. 

“Shepard,” says Liara suddenly, “I’ve managed to raise Kaidan on comms.”

Shepard switches to the appropriate channel. “Kaidan, it’s Shepard. You’ve got a Cerberus assassination squad heading to your position. I’m pursuing, but I don’t know if we’ll get there in time.” She motions Garrus to go faster. He replies with a glare and a growl, but he does accelerate, if a bit less than she’d like.

“Cerberus?” Kaidan sounds baffled. “Why are you telling me this?”

She rolls her eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not with them any more? It’s Udina you have to watch out for. He’s working with them, collaborating. He wanted there to be a coup so he could take sole control of the Council.”

“Udina? But…”

“Come on, Kaidan, it’s politics. Remember when he grounded us and wouldn’t let us go to Ilos?”

As the skycar rounds a corner, she sees the scene below them: the councilors, on their way to an evacuation vehicle, Kaidan and Ashley with them. Ashley’s rifle swings up and Garrus just manages to dodge; the shot grazes the frame. “Hold your fire!” Shepard shouts into the com. “That’s me. Us.” Kaidan gestures to Ash and she pulls her rifle up. Shepard can see her face darken into a scowl as Garrus lands the skycar. Shepard jumps out before the vehicle’s even settled, Liara at her heels.

Ashley shouts, “What the hell is this, Shepard?” She levels her assault rifle at them again. Kaidan’s covering the door to the elevator. Shepard suddenly has a bizarre sense of dissociation, as if another version of her is going to come through the elevator doors any moment. The sensation makes her fumble for words.

“Easy,” she says. “I’m not the enemy here. Udina’s working with Cerberus.”

“That’s preposterous!” Udina shouts. Shepard ignores him. 

“Come on. Kaidan, Ash. It’s me.”

“You’ve worked for Cerberus before,” Kaidan snaps, his eyes still on the elevator. Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard sees Thane and Garrus covering Kaidan. Liara’s at her right. She doesn’t know where Kasumi has gone.

“Cerberus has an assassination team coming in,” she repeats, wondering why EDI isn’t updating her on the assassins’ location. “Stop pointing weapons at us and we can discuss this reasonably.”

Ash’s eyes narrow. “You first.”

Shepard takes a breath. Udina’s fidgeting behind Ash, not making a move yet. Nobody else is moving. “Okay.” She lowers her weapon. Everyone is still for a moment, then the rest of Shepard’s squad follows her lead. She’s still tense, and knows the rest of them are just as ready as she is to bring their guns back up.

Kaidan relaxes a trifle, but keeps his gun pointed at the elevator. Ashley hesitates. “Udina, huh?”

Shepard nods. “That’s right.”

“I always knew I didn’t like him,” she says, and whips around to point her rifle at Udina, instead.

He blanches. “The hell with this,” he says, and raises the pistol in his hand.

For a moment, everything is pandemonium. Ashley, Udina, and Shepard all fire; when the situation settles, Udina is on the ground and Ashley has one hand to the side of her head. “Damn,” she says. “He had pretty good aim for a civilian.”

Kaidan turns around. “Ash? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, it’s just a graze.”

The elevator doors open; Kaidan whirls and shouts for the newcomers to lower their weapons. Bailey, flanked by James and three C-Sec officers, raises his hands. “Stand down,” he says. “We intercepted the other assassination team on the way.”

“You could have let me know,” Shepard grumbles. 

She stands back and lets Bailey take over, though, and gradually relaxes as the adrenaline leave her system. One dead traitor, three live councilors, and she didn’t have to kill either Kaidan or Ashley. And Thane’s going to live.

She looks around and finds him not far away, looking as calm and serene as usual. If he’s feeling any ill effects from the exertion, he doesn’t show it. “Thane,” she says. “Any chance I can persuade you to change your mind and join us on the Normandy?”

His lips turn up, but he says, “I think not. I suspect that was my last fight.”

She nods. “You saved the councilor. Not a bad way to end your career.”

“Indeed.”

“I’d like to consult with you, though. I may have some infiltration and assassination coming up.”

He inclines his head. “Then I am at your disposal.”


	16. Chapter 16

Before heading out to the Citadel again for the next round of meetings and errands, Shepard stops by the main battery.

“Hey, don’t I get a date this time?”

Garrus turns around and cocks his head. “Date?”

“You haven’t sent me a message this time. I already chatted with Liara, and I’m meeting Kaidan and Ashley later.”

“Oh.” He looks abashed. “I, uh, I thought maybe we didn’t need to this time around.”

“What?” Shepard stares. “I don’t know about _need_ , but I definitely _want_ to. Unless… you’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

“What? No! Of course not. I just, um. I didn’t realize you’d want to.” He scratches the side of his neck. “Do you want me to find something new to do?”

She steps forward and pats his arm. “That’s not necessary. I like going up there. Good view.”

“Okay then. One last round of bottle-shooting.” He reaches out and brushes a lock of hair out of her face. She’s always startled by the delicacy of his touch, in spite of the heavy metal gauntlets he wears.

“Garrus…” She leans in and presses a kiss to the scarred side of his jaw. “With any luck, we’ll have many more rounds of bottle shooting.”

He smiles. “Ping me when you’re done with your meetings?”

“You got it.”

#

She meets Kaidan at a cafe in the Presidium Commons. He’s gazing out into the view, where she can still see the wreckage of a couple of skycars. Things are returning to near-normal, even though the coup was only a few hours ago.

“Hey, Shepard.” He smiles, if a little weakly. “I’m trying to come to grips with what’s happened. I mean, I thought a lot of things about Udina, but I didn’t think he was a traitor.”

Shepard didn’t think that, either. Once. “I know. It’s a lot to take in.”

She settles in at the table and they order. “How’s the Spectre gig?” she asks.

He makes a face. “Udina was going to name me, but it didn’t go through before the coup, so everything’s on hold. I’m not sure what’s going to happen.” He sighs. “It seems like it should be Ash, honestly. She took the shot; she’s the one who did what needed to be done.”

“You were covering the door,” Shepard points out. “That needed to be done, too.”

“I know, it just… it doesn’t feel right. Did she tell you? She and I went out a couple of times.” He sighs. “Then we were both Spectre candidates, and, I don’t know, I got caught up in the competition.”

Shepard observes cautiously, “It always seemed to me like the two of you made a pretty good team. I mean, I don’t know about romantically, but I certainly see it professionally.”

He looks down. “Yeah, maybe I should give it another chance. If she’s interested. Listen, Shepard, I was going to ask you… any chance of joining your crew again?”

She chooses her words carefully. “There’s a place on the Normandy for both you and Ash any time you want it. If you’d feel comfortable with it. But you outrank me at this point; you might be better off in your own command.”

He nods. “You have a point, Shepard. I’ll think about it.”

Ashley comes up to them, then, with a bandage on her cheek and a big grin. Shepard asks, “Hey, Ash. How are you feeling?”

“Just fine, Shepard.” She turns a chair around and sits on it, leaning her arms on the chair’s back. “What are you two talking about?”

Kaidan shifts in his chair. “Just… processing. A lot happened in the last few days.”

“You think too much,” Ash says. “We stopped a coup, that’s what matters.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Kaidan admits. He has a tiny not-quite-smile when he looks at her.

It’s a surprisingly normal conversation, less fraught with tension than any talk they’ve had recently. They don’t actually talk about Cerberus, but the two of them seem to have decided to let it go and trust Shepard, so she’ll let it go, too. Kaidan and Ashley keep stealing glances at each other when they think the other one isn’t looking. Shepard is amused to see it. Kaidan brings up the idea of their joining the Normandy crew again.

“I’d be glad to have you, if that’s what you really want,” she says. She’s tried out different things, in the past, and she really doesn’t want to limit them. They’re both fine officers, and the Alliance could use their talents elsewhere.

Kaidan sighs. “You had a good point about it being time for my own command, Shepard.”

“Mm,” Ashley says. “Yeah, I have a similar offer.”

They look at each other intently. Shepard pushes her chair back. “I think maybe I’ll leave you two to talk that over.”

#

“I brought snacks, too,” Garrus says when Shepard meets him at the skycar.

She takes the offered bag and peers inside. “Ooo, chocolate croissants. You picked well.”

“Don’t I always?”

“As long as you’re not picking music, sure.”

He folds his arms and pulls his mandibles in. “I don’t have to take you anywhere, you know.”

She grins. “Oh, come on. We both know you want to out-shoot me again. Be careful. This time I might not let you win.”

“Oh, you think you let me win, do you? We’ll just see about that.”

As many times as she’s done this, Shepard still loves the view, the Presidium spread out shining before them, the wind ruffling her hair. She thinks that she wouldn’t mind coming up here again and again. Every year, maybe. They could start a tradition. Maybe she could get Bailey to turn a blind eye.

“It’s weird not having the same old conversation,” Garrus comments.

“One-turian woman,” she says. “No worries about that.” She picks up the rifle and gives him a sly grin. “Now let’s see what you can do, hotshot.”

Several rounds of bottles later, Shepard is beginning to contemplate whether it’s time to miss her next shot. She hands the rifle off to Garrus, picks up the next bottle, and hurls it. No particular finesse, just as much force as she can put into it.

And he misses.

Shepard’s jaw drops and she stares as the intact bottle goes sailing down into the Presidium’s artificial gravity.

“Oops. You win. Must be getting windy up here,” says Garrus.

There’s only the lightest of breezes at the moment. She turns to find him looking at her with a broad, pointy-toothed grin, mandibles spread wide. Her eyes narrow. “Did you miss that on purpose?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he returns, setting the rifle aside.

She laughs. Damn if it isn’t nice when he can surprise her. She spreads out her arms to feel the air flowing around her body, but instead of shouting her victory, she says, “Garrus, marry me.”

There’s a pause before Garrus says, “Um… what? Did I hear that right?” 

She turns toward him and grins at his expression. Her turn to surprise him. “I mean it.” She adds in halting turian, “ _Let us be a pair, bonded together, I will be yours and you will be mine_.”

“Shepard, I…” He shakes his head. “Let’s talk about your grammar later. Are you sure? This whole thing is so crazy… people under stress don’t always make the best decisions, I don’t want to bind you to anything—”

She closes the distance between them and taps his chestplate lightly. “Breathe. I’m sure. You’re the one thing that’s been right this whole ridiculous time. I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. After we’ve gotten ourselves out of this loop, because I want to marry you once for always, not over and over again.”

He pulls her into his arms and leans down for a very un-turian kiss, bending her backwards, bearing her weight with ease. It takes her breath away, the effortless support, the wind cool on her skin, the heat and taste and intensity of the kiss. She gets her breath back eventually and smiles. “Should I take that for a yes?”

His eyes are bright and surprisingly soft, looking down at her. “Definitely.”


	17. Chapter 17

Shepard has been trying to talk to someone about the Temple of Athame for ages.

But the temple and its Prothean VI are such a closely guarded secret that she hasn’t made any headway. Admittedly, she’s been trying to cram calls to asari matriarchs in between combat missions and high-stakes turian-krogan negotiations, but still, this is ridiculous. Even Liara can’t locate a matriarch who will actually admit that she knows what’s going on. And Councilor Tevos isn’t answering Shepard’s calls. She wonders if this is payback for Shepard’s hanging up on her back in the day.

She finally figures out how to handle the situation while she’s standing out in the cold on Lesuss, letting Samara and Falere say their goodbyes. When Samara leaves her daughter and starts toward her own small ship, Shepard intercepts her. 

“Thank you,” Samara tells her quietly. “I will now be able to join the war effort. Perhaps we can meet on the Citadel?”

“I’d like that. But, Samara, there’s something that would really help, that I think only you might be able to do.”

The asari inclines her head. “Ask.”

“I have reason to believe there’s a valuable source of Prothean information at the Temple of Athame on Thessia. It could be critical to finishing the Crucible quickly, but I can’t get any asari authorities to talk to me about it. I don’t know if it would violate the Code, and of course I wouldn’t ask you to do that…”

Samara holds up a hand. “Do not fear. I will retrieve what you need.” She smiles. “No one will stand in my way.”

_They won’t if they know what’s good for them_ , Shepard reflects. She nods and tells Samara how to access the VI at the temple.

A few days later, she and Liara meet up with Samara at the Citadel to take the VI and turn it over to the Crucible engineers. Shepard breathes a sigh of relief. They have the thing in hand, well before Cerberus could get to it. Score a big one for the good guys.

#

While they’re on the Citadel, Miranda wants to meet. She’s pacing and has dark circles under her eyes. She starts to speak, but Shepard interrupts, saying, “Sanctuary. I don’t know what he wants with her, but your father’s taken Oriana to Sanctuary. On Horizon.”

Miranda blinks. “How do you know that, Shepard?”

“I told you, I’ve done this before. A few times.”

Miranda nods, slowly. “I have to confront him,” she says, mostly to herself. “I have to stop running and finally confront him.”

“We can do it together,” Shepard offers. “Sanctuary is bad, Miranda. They’ve been experimenting with Reaper tech, turning refugees into husks to see if they can control them.”

She flinches and shakes her head. “Cerberus wasn’t supposed to be like that. It’s about elevating humanity—”

Shepard breaks in, “I know. But it’s not just that, Miranda, and I don’t think it ever has been. I think the Illusive Man told you what he thought would inspire you. I think deep down it’s always been about control and domination. He and your father are two of a kind.”

“Maybe you’re right,” the other woman whispers. 

“Come with me,” Shepard suggests. “We can take care of this together.”

Miranda shakes her head. “No. I need to do this myself.”

Shepard sighs. “At least take some backup. I think I can track down Zaeed.” It takes a little more persuading, but eventually Miranda agrees not to go alone.

#

With Kai Leng dead and the Prothean VI secured, Shepard wants to act fast and cut Cerberus off now, before they can cause any more trouble, before they can deliver the Citadel to the Reapers. So the plan is: infiltrate the base and kill the Illusive Man. Her suspicion is that without the head, the organization won’t be able to interfere with allied operations nearly as effectively. It’s a good plan. She likes it a lot. She consults with both Thane and Kasumi about getting in to Cronos Station. Alliance Command is willing to let her investigate the system on her own word, but won’t send backup without some real evidence, which she can’t provide. 

“We usually go in with a fleet,” Garrus grumbles.

“We usually go in with a fleet because they have one, too. EDI and Adams think they’ve tweaked the stealth drive enough to get us to the station unnoticed. If they have a fleet waiting for us, we’ll turn and run.”

“Turians like to say ‘fighting retreat’.”

Shepard smiles. “And at least then we’ll have the evidence Hackett needs to send a fleet.”

He considers. “Well. It’s more of a plan than we had at the Collector Base.”

Shepard grimaces, remembering how they went through the Omega-Four relay the first time with _no idea_ what they would face. “That’s for sure.”

#

There is no fleet awaiting them. Fully armored, Shepard watches as Joker coasts them in toward their access point, muttering about windows the entire time. 

In fact, there don’t seem to be any ships at all, even freighters, which makes her unreasonably edgy.

She brings EDI, Garrus, and Kasumi, who’s willing to do this one mission before joining the Crucible team. Cortez flies them into the hanger bay, but no gunfire greets them. It’s all very quiet.

“Shepard, the hanger is wired with explosives,” EDI reports suddenly. 

“Where?” Shepard demands.

The bombs are already showing up on their scanners; the four of them dash to the locations and work to disarm them. Less than a minute later, the bombs are inactive and Shepard takes a deep breath. “All right. Let’s see what other surprises Cerberus has for us.”

But the big surprise is that there’s no one there. With Kasumi scouting ahead, they make their way through silent, empty corridors. EDI and Kasumi work carefully to access the databases, which are full of junk data and viruses that they don’t want compromising the Normandy’s systems. There are more bombs, but no guards. They find a couple of barracks, which are neat, orderly, and bare of anything useful or personal. The deep silence makes her skin crawl.

They pass through the chamber with the remnants of the human Reaper. Its vast, lifeless frame gives Shepard a chill. She hates turning her back on it. Still no opposition, no signs of life. 

Finally Shepard stands in the Illusive Man’s office before the familiar vista of the dying star. It’s still and quiet and empty. “Damn it,” she says. “Where did they go?” Her grip tightens on her assault rifle, which she hasn’t fired in hours. “Why aren’t they here?” Her eyes widen. “What if— what if the Illusive Man knows about the loops? What if—?” She chokes on the dire possibility.

“Hey.” Garrus moves in front of her, giving her something else to focus on. “He might not know anything. He might not be able to do anything about it, if he does know. It’s possible that killing Leng triggered some kind of plan we didn’t know about.”

She forces herself to relax her grip, but she still feels cold. “Yeah. Maybe… maybe you’re right. Get as much data as you can our of their systems, EDI, and then we’ll go.”

She considers blowing up the station as they leave, but decides, reluctantly, not to. There might still be valuable salvage in other parts of the station. 

They retrace their steps back to the shuttle, and Shepard’s mind races, wondering if they can track the Illusive Man down. Maybe Miranda or Jacob could help them find other Cerberus bases. She can’t help but remember, all too painfully, that they only found Cronos Station in the first place by planting a tracker on Kai Leng… and he’s dead. 

# 

But back at her terminal, there’s a new high-priority message. The Migrant Fleet needs her assistance. Shepard closes her eyes. She can’t put this off to chase down Cerberus. Seventeen million quarian lives ride on her decisions. Innumerable geth. And Tali and Legion. She needs both of them. She’s going to have to play this very carefully.


	18. Chapter 18

On the way out to the Perseus Veil, Shepard paces in her quarters. She strategizes. She goes down to Liara’s office to consult about the Crucible. 

“It’s coming along very well, Shepard,” Liara says. “The VI is an immense help.”

Shepard nods. “Good. Can you ask Kasumi to look out for ways to prevent the Catalyst’s control of the Crucible?”

Liara frowns. “Are you sure that’s the way to go?”

“No, I’m not. I’m guessing, just trying to figure something out.” An idea occurs to her. “You know what? Can you ask Kahlee Sanders to have David Archer take a look at that? At how the Crucible might interface with the Catalyst’s AI? If it isn’t too hard on him, I mean. He knows more about AI interfaces than anybody.”

“I’ll let her know.”

“And, Liara, do you have any sources in the Migrant Fleet?”

She sighs. “Very few. The quarians tend to stick together. I know they’ve called a lot of their exiles and pilgrims back home, but I don’t have much sense of the Flotilla’s internal politics. There, Tali’s my best source.”

“Okay. When we reach the Fleet, I want you to try to locate a particular marine commander.”

#

Tali wears her new authority proudly but nervously, walking onto the Normandy with her head held high and her hands twining together.

In Shepard’s cabin, she confesses her worry for her people, for the civilians hauled along on this venture. “I’m so sorry, Shepard. I tried to stop them.”

“It’s all right, Tali. I didn’t really think you’d be able to.” 

Tali fidgets. “What do you want to do now, Shepard?”

She sighs and rubs her forehead. This mission fills her with alarm. She’s been trying to change things, but what if she’s done too much, or altered things in the wrong ways? If this goes badly, Tali could die, or Legion could; she could lose the entire quarian population, or all the geth… or, if things go very badly, both. She says carefully, “I’m hoping that we can make a deal between your people and the geth. I’m afraid that if this whole thing goes sideways, we’ll lose all of you. I’m… concerned about Admiral Gerrel. I know he was a friend of your father’s, but where does he stand now?”

Tali groans. “This whole campaign was his idea! Well, Xen provided the tech, but Han’Gerrel is the one who laid out the strategy.”

“If I ask him to hold off on attacking the geth, will he see reason?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know, Shepard. He sees this as our best chance to retake the homeworld.”

Shepard nods. “That’s what I was afraid of.”

#

Before going to board the geth dreadnought, Shepard finds the marine she’s looking for and pulls him aside.

“Commander,” he greets her. “Nice to see you again.”

“You too, Reegar. Glad to see you’re fully recovered.”

“Takes more than that to keep me out, ma’am.”

“I’m sure of it.” She takes a deep breath. “So what do you think of this war?”

He shrugs. “I’m just a marine, ma’am. I go where the admirals tell me. Not much work for the marines yet, it’s all ship to ship combat.”

She narrows her eyes and gives him her best commanding glare. “Don’t give me that. I know full well you’re smart and observant, Reegar.”

“Speaking freely, ma’am?” He rocks back on his heels. “We’re throwing ourselves into a grinder, and we’re taking heavy losses. Civilian losses. That’s what I took an oath to prevent. Could be worth it, if we retake the homeworld, but the cost is high.”

“What would you say to a change of admirals?”

“That would be treason for me to suggest, ma’am,” he says dryly.

“Even if it was for the good of the civilian fleet?”

His helmet tilts slightly to the side. He’s a lot less revealing than Tali. “I’d need some convincing on that score, ma’am.”

Shepard nods. “I’d like you to join my team infiltrating the dreadnought, Reegar.”

“It’s be a pleasure, ma’am.”

#

Shepard is fretting enough about her plans and trying to think through all the angles that she almost doesn’t mind going through the docking tube at all. It’s gotten easier over time, but the terror of being spaced sticks with her. 

Once aboard the dreadnought, her team falls into sync remarkably well. Shepard and Tali and Garrus have plenty of experience fighting together, and Reegar fits into their tactics as if he belongs there. He makes very little comment until they find Legion, and then he merely says, “You’re sure we can trust it, ma’am?”

Shepard isn’t sure whether he’s talking to her or to Tali. She lets Tali be the one to say firmly, “Yes. Legion won’t betray us.”

“As you say, ma’am.”

As they sit in the geth fighter, waiting for the Normandy to pick them up, Tali says softly, “We pushed them to this. To taking help from the Reapers.”

Reegar replies, “So it appears, ma’am.”

After a moment, Tali adds, “I used to call him ‘Uncle Han.’ I can’t believe he fired on the ship while we were still aboard!”

So once they’re back on the Normandy, Shepard listens to Admiral Gerrel’s justification only briefly before she interrupts. “You risked your fleet and your people. You’ve proven that you can’t be trusted.” Shepard gives the admiral her stoniest look. “Give me one reason not to throw you in the brig.”

“You must be joking,” he says.

“Commander Shepard, you can’t do this—” Admiral Raan protests. 

“Admiral Raan, Admiral Gerrel deliberately ordered an attack on the dreadnought, knowing that it would endanger the infiltration team, which included a fellow member of the Admiralty Board. Would this not be considered attempted murder under quarian law?”

“I… I suppose you could construe matters in that way, yes…”

“Then I am placing Admiral Gerrel under arrest and keeping him in custody aboard the Normandy until such time as he can be appropriately charged and tried under quarian law. Kal’Reegar?”

“Ma’am.” 

She’s taking a chance here, but she’s fairly sure she can count on the quarian marine, now a silent bulk at her elbow. “Please escort Admiral Gerrel to the brig.”

“You haven’t heard the last of this,” Gerrel snaps, but he does not resist.

Admiral Raan watches them go, luminous eyes wide. “You can’t just remove the commander of the heavy fleet when we’re at war!”

“You wouldn’t be at war if not for him,” Shepard points out. “Doesn’t he have a competent second?”

“He does, but… _what is that_?”

She glances over her shoulder. Legion. Of course. “Its name is Legion. It’s an ally.”

“What?” She lets both Raan and Xen say their piece, familiar conversation, but Shepard shuts Xen down when she speaks of experimenting on the geth. Raan isn’t done yet.

“You’re siding with the geth against us!”

“Listen to me, Admiral Raan.” Shepard deliberately looms over the shorter and older woman. “Your war is immaterial to me. Your war is a distraction from the real fight. I’m not on your side. I’m not on the geth’s side. I’m on the side of fighting the Reapers, and I want _both_ quarians and geth in that fight. So yes, I’m going to do everything in my power to free the geth from Reaper control, but not because I want to make it easier for you to kill them.”

Raan is breathing faster. “Commander, we must regain our homeworld—”

“Did it never occur to any of you to try negotiating?” Shepard snaps. “Tali learned to work with geth. The rest of you could, as well.”

Daro’Xen interjects, “Do you negotiate with a tool, Commander?”

Shepard glares at her. “If a tool can reason and communicate, then sure. Why the hell not. They’re intelligent, Xen. They’re self-aware, whether you like it or not. They may not feel the same way organics do, but they’re definitely sentient.”

Xen subsides, though Shepard doubts she’s convinced. Raan speaks up again. “Commander Shepard, there are centuries of enmity—”

“Initiated mostly by your people, Admiral. There’s more to the original conflict with the geth than you may know.” Shepard shakes her head. “Look, you’ve asked for my help. I’ll give it. You’ll get your homeworld back, but you’ll do it on my terms. Those are the consequences of my help. If the geth aren’t willing to negotiate, that’ll be another story.”

Admiral Raan bows her head. “I suppose I must accept your judgment, Commander. I only hope you are correct.”

Shepard nods shortly. It’s not until she’s out of the room that she mutters, “So do I.”


	19. Chapter 19

Shepard’s next order of business is to confer with both Tali and Legion. “Listen,” she begins, but Tali interrupts.

“I can’t believe you just arrested Admiral Gerrel!”

“Was I wrong?”

Tali fidgets. “Well… it’s not unreasonable, it’s just… extreme. Do you really think that was necessary?”

“Damn it,” Shepard snaps, “I am trying to do the best I can to solve this problem. We’ve agreed that things need to _change_ and _as usual_ everything falls on me!” She slams her hand into the bulkhead beside her and winces as pain shoots up her arm.

Tali’s eyes are wide behind her helmet. Legion’s little flaps flutter.

“Sorry.” Shepard licks her lips and continues in a more even tone. “Trust me. It could save us a lot of trouble later. Tali, Legion, we really have a chance here to make peace between quarians and geth. But I need both of you to make it work, and I’m going to need both of you to help me deal with the Catalyst.”

Tali nods. “Of course I’m with you, Shepard.”

Legion’s flaps shift. “The geth are already apprised of the data you shared with us, Shepard-Commander. We are prepared to assist you. What do you need from us now?”

Shepard lays things out for them: saving Admiral Koris, infiltrating and recruiting from the geth network, uploading the Reaper code to the geth, the Reaper on Rannoch, the quarian attack on the geth. “I’m hoping without Han’Gerrel at the helm, the fleet won’t press the attack.”

Tali shifts her weight from foot to foot. “Maybe,” she says, a little doubtfully. “His second-in-command is solid, but not as passionate about the cause. But… programming all the geth with Reaper code?”

Legion turns toward her. “It will allow us to be autonomous and individualized, Creator Zorah,” it says mildly.

“I know.” Tali covers her mask with both hands for a moment. “I know. I’m sorry. Okay, Shepard, what do you need me to do?”

“There’s a problem with the code that means Legion will have to upload himself to fix it. I want you both to figure out some kind of fix so that doesn’t need to happen. If you can keep the Reapers from influencing the geth, that would be good, too. Work with EDI on it if you need to.”

“All right, Shepard, we’ll get to work on it.”

“Great, because I have to go rescue Admiral Koris.”

Koris seems a little less dismayed by Gerrel’s arrest than Raan was, Shepard is amused to note. She has him shuttled over to the civilian fleet, checks in with the crew, and heads up to her quarters to catch some shut-eye. 

The elevator doors open at the crew deck and Garrus steps in. “Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not.”

After a moment, he says, “Tali said you were upset.”

Shepard sighs. “Yeah, I lost my temper for a minute. Damn. Maybe I should apologize to her.”

“She wasn’t complaining, Shepard, she was worried about you.” They reach the top deck, and as they step out, he adds, “Frankly, I’m concerned, too.”

She palms the access panel to her quarters and they go in. She hesitates, not sure what to say, and Garrus puts an arm around her shoulders and draws her over to the couch. “Come on,” he rumbles at her. “Talk to me.”

She sighs again and leans into his shoulder. “I’m so tired of being second-guessed. I’m tired of second-guessing myself. I want to fix this, I don’t want to do this over and over any more, and it’s so hard to know if we’re on the right path this time.”

His fingers work at the ever-present knot in her shoulder. “All you can do is make your best guess, Shepard. But you don’t have to make all these decisions alone. You’ve got a team. We’re with you. Lean on us. Or at least, lean on me.”

“Mm.” She’s tired, really tired, and the warmth of his body and the sound of his voice are making her feel drowsy. “I am leaning on you,” she points out, literal-minded. 

He laughs and smooths her hair. “Get some sleep, Shepard.”

She wakes up in bed, so Garrus must have moved her at some point. She really does feel better. She apologizes to Tali, who brushes it off, and is excited about their progress. Tali and EDI will keep working on the code while Shepard and Legion drop to infiltrate the geth network. That is actually almost relaxing; she knows what to do, and the Reaper code doesn’t shoot back.

The timing of the final mission is tricky. She wants the patched code that Tali, Legion, and EDI are working on to be ready, but she also doesn’t want to cost any more lives, geth or quarian, than necessary. Without Gerrel at the helm, the quarian fleets are willing to hold back, defending themselves against geth attack, but not pressing on. Finally Legion and Tali both agree they’re ready to go, and her team moves to attack the geth base. 

“Go!” she shouts when the Reaper emerges. Garrus, predictably, hesitates, but she calls out, “I’ve got this!”

And she does. She remembers the timing, when to run, when to turn. That red beam flares in the edges of her vision and the air shimmers with its heat, but she remembers, she aims, she runs, and the Reaper falls under the combined fire of the fleet.

The first few times she did this, she screamed at the Reaper, demanding answers. Sometimes she’s pleaded. Sometimes she’s cursed it. This time she yells in satisfaction as the thing collapses and kicks a rock in its direction.

But the Reaper isn’t done with her. “Shepard,” it groans, the ground vibrating with its voice.

“Save it,” Shepard shouts back. “The cycle must continue, chaos, order, blah blah, I’ve heard it all before.”

“We are the solution,” it insists.

“You are NOT,” she roars. “Your solution fucking SUCKS. I will end this, and we will find our own damned solutions.”

The Reaper rumbles. She has the horrified thought that it is laughing at her. “You cannot end the cycle. You are too late.”

Its light goes out, and it subsides. Shepard stands frozen for a moment, until Tali and Legion come up beside her. 

Tali says, hesitant, “Shepard?”

She shakes herself out of her momentary stupor. “Legion. Upload the code, like we talked about.”

“Acknowledged, Shepard-Commander.”

“Tali. Order the fleet to disengage.”

“I’m not sure they’ll listen to me—”

“Remind them that you are an Admiral,” Shepard bites out. “Talk to them like they’re Daniels and Donnelly and they screwed up your engine room. You can do this, Tali.”

Tali takes a deep breath, turns on her comm, and from somewhere summons a reserve of command that makes Shepard grin. Admiral Koris backs her up, and the commander of the heavy fleet backs down in the face of the two admirals’ orders.

And the revamped code works; Legion assures her that direct personality dissemination is not necessary.

Shepard can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong, though. That feeling intensifies when she gets back to the Normandy and Traynor informs her that Admiral Hackett is waiting for her on vidcomm. She speeds her steps to the War Room.

“Admiral,” she begins, but he cuts her off.

“I’ll hear your report later, Shepard. The Reapers have taken the Citadel, and moved it.”

Her fists clench. “Where?” This isn’t right. It’s too early. She’s supposed to have more time; the time she saved by not going to Thessia, she was going to use to hunt down Cerberus, or clean out Sanctuary, or… 

“Earth.”

She bows her head. It seems inevitable; all roads lead to home. 

Well, then. Earth it is.

“Is the Crucible ready?” she asks.

“That’s a piece of luck, it’s ready to go. We made much faster progress on it than we thought.”

Shepard nods. That’s what she’d planned for, after all. She was just supposed to have more time to take advantage of it. “We’ll meet you at the rendezvous point, sir.”

When she leaves the QEC chamber, Legion is waiting for her, looking unusually agitated. “What is it?”

“I must apologize, Shepard-Commander.”

“For what?”

The geth almost shuffles in place. “I fear that the Reapers divined the importance of the Citadel from us, while we were linked to them.”

She nearly laughs out loud. She’s been trying so hard to plan for every contingency, and she’d forgotten those very basic facts: Legion knew what she knew, the geth knew what Legion knew, and the Reapers knew what the geth knew. She shakes her head. “Legion, it’s not your fault. The Catalyst is linked to the Reapers; maybe they knew all along. We have a plan. We’ll go and do what we can.”

But she wakes up that night with the Reaper’s words reverberating in her mind:

_You cannot end the cycle. You are too late._

She stares at the stars above her bed for a long time.


	20. Chapter 20

The quarian fleet will precede them to the rendezvous point. Shepard has a moment’s guilty relief that Reegar won’t be deployed elsewhere, though she supposes that means the quarian marines will take part in Hammer, and... there’s nothing safe about that. 

The Normandy makes a stop on the way so Miranda can join them. “I shut it down,” she tells Shepard. “Sanctuary.” She looks tired, and closes her eyes. “I can’t believe my father… well. I guess you know what they were doing there.”

Shepard nods. “Yeah. How’s Oriana?”

“She’s fine. I’ve sent her somewhere safe.” She opens her eyes, and her gaze is serious. “I believe you, Shepard. About everything. What do you need me to do?”

In the remaining hours of their flight to the rendezvous point, the team meets to strategize. Shepard and Garrus tell the others everything they can remember about London and the Citadel. Liara shares the reports she got from Kasumi and the rest of the Crucible team. Tali, Miranda, Legion, and EDI discuss ways to disrupt or shut down the Catalyst AI. Javik is mostly silent, eyeing EDI and Legion with suspicion. His occasional comments are often barbed, but always tactically sound.

“Ultimately, we’re going to have to improvise and adapt to circumstances as we find them,” Shepard says. 

“There’s nothing new about that,” remarks Garrus. Miranda rolls her eyes, but nods agreement.

Javik says, “A good commander can always adapt. That is your strength.”

Shepard blinks. It might be the nicest thing he’s ever said to her.

#

As they rendezvous with the rest of the allied fleet, they catch a bit of a break. Unlike her previous experiences, Shepard isn’t needed to lead a ground team attacking the anti-aircraft guns so the Hammer ground forces can land. She gets brief messages from Kaidan and Ashley, both leading their own teams, and suspects that makes the difference. Instead, Shepard and her squad can proceed directly to the Forward Operations Base. 

Before they drop, she heads down to the cargo bay to check out her last team member. “Think it’s ready?” she asks Garrus.

“Absolutely. I did a systems check just a few days ago.” Garrus pats the Mako almost affectionately. “Got Cortez to requisition some of the new Thanix missiles, too. They’re installed, and we’re good to go.”

Joker’s voice comes over the comm. “I can’t believe how long you’ve been carting this thing around.”

Shepard opens the hatch and slides into the driver’s seat. “You’re just jealous, Joker. This beauty is a classic.”

Vega calls, “See, Esteban? I told you.” Cortez makes some sort of sputtering noise.

“Jealous of what?” Joker replies. “Seems like it’s Garrus who should be jealous of your unholy affair with the Mako.”

Shepard smiles, re-familiarizing herself with the controls. “Garrus doesn’t need to be jealous,” she calls back. “He and I and the Mako all get along very well.”

“Right,” says Garrus dryly. “I’m going to ask it to join us at our retirement house on the beach.”

There would be worse fates, Shepard thinks to herself. She glances at the back seat and gives Garrus a significant look.

#

Down at the base, she checks in with the team, but avoids saying goodbye. She’s trying to keep herself optimistic. It strikes her how strange this all is. There are a handful of people who know what she’s really trying to stop, here: the repeated cycle that they aren’t even aware of, but that keeps them all locked into the same hellish war, prevents them from moving onward and seeing what their lives might become. Most of her friends think they’re here to fight Reapers, and they are; it makes her uncomfortable that so many will sacrifice themselves so that she can make it to the Citadel, but she recognizes the necessity.

Still, she watches her mentor gear up and remembers how many times she’s watched him die. 

“Anderson,” she says, “do me a favor and stay back.”

He looks at her in surprise, and then his face splits into a scowl. “What the hell, Shepard? I’ve spent too much time in this fight. You think I’m going to hang back now?”

She winces, knowing she probably can’t convince him. “I’d just hate for anything to happen to you now,” she says, trying to smile.

“Hmph.” He looks only slightly mollified. “I’m not going anywhere, Shepard. I’ll see this through. We both will.”

She’ll just have to get to the beam first, she decides.

#

They take the Mako on from the FOB. Their progress is slow at first, making their way through the narrow streets, clogged with rubble. They go out on foot to defend the tank’s flanks from the swarms of husks and worse that the Reapers throw at them. It is much like hell, much like it always is: darkness and damp chill, the screaming of banshees and the rattle of gunfire, the smell of rot and ash in the air, fighting with barely a pause to catch their breath and drink some water.

Shepard remembers not to use her precious Thanix missiles too early. She waits until the Reaper is close enough. Her satisfaction when the thing goes down is sharp but short-lived; it’s now that the real struggle begins. “Pile in,” she calls to her team, looking around. Garrus, Tali, Javik, Miranda, Liara, and Legion are a tight fit with herself in the Mako, but not impossible. She and EDI agreed to leave her mobile platform aboard the Normandy; neither of them wants any distractions while she’s also running the ship in combat and cyberwarfare. “Come on, come on,” she shouts, as one by one they scramble in, the others keeping up covering fire. “We’re all getting through this damned beam.” Twelve times she’s run for that thing on foot. Twelve times she’s left her squad behind, sent them back to the Normandy. Not this time. 

She’s already started the Mako and starts moving as soon as the hatch shuts, too aware of the scene in front of her: the ray of the Reapers’ conduit, brilliant in the smoky gloom; the vast, dark bulk of Harbinger and the other Reapers, coming closer; the ruby brilliance of their weapons, stabbing through the night. Miranda says, “Shepard, that Reaper is targeting vehicles. I don’t think we can make it.” Her voice sounds higher and sharper than Shepard is used to. She grins at the thought that Miranda has lost her cool. 

“But _I’m_ driving this one,” she points out, and puts the Mako into gear.

She hasn’t had as much opportunity as she’d like to practice driving lately. But she’s still got it. She zooms toward the glowing conduit in the distance, just like she once zoomed toward the one on Ilos. Then she had geth everywhere to dodge; now she mows down husks and dodges the Reaper’s deadly crimson beams. Legion’s on the Mako’s cannon and Garrus has the machine guns, keeping up a steady patter of shots. Shepard boosts the Mako over the wreck of another Mako and does her best to avoid the other members of Hammer. She thinks—she hopes, even—that she sees Anderson on foot as they pass.

She only barely registers the gasps and exclamations coming from her passengers as they barrel their way toward the beam. The Reapers are larger and larger in her peripheral vision, but she keeps focused on the conduit, pushing the accelerator to its limits and then they’re… through.

The sudden silence is shocking, the slight change of gravity disorienting. She slows down; now there’s less need for speed, and she drives more calmly through the dark tunnel, letting the adrenalin fade from her system. They peer at the feeds from the Mako’s external cameras, taking in the piles of corpses on either side. “Goddess,” whispers Liara. “There are so many.” 

Shepard doesn’t want to think about it. She’d told Bailey they needed an evacuation plan, and she can only hope some of the station’s population has escaped, or managed to barricade themselves into places of safety. She’s spent too much time on the Citadel, met and chatted with and helped too many people here; the thought of them all dying makes her feel ill.

“Keelah,” breathes Tali. “Where are we, anyway?” 

“The Keeper tunnels, maybe?” Garrus sounds uncertain. “I’ve been all over the Citadel,even into the maintenance areas, and I’ve never seen an area like this before. But nobody knows everywhere the Keepers go.”


	21. Chapter 21

They continue onward until they reach a bridge too narrow for the Mako, crossing over a wide trench or chasm. Then they get out and continue on foot. Shepard pats the Mako fondly before taking the lead. Garrus keeps muttering something about things not matching the Citadel’s layout. The rest of them are looking around warily, hands close to their weapons. “Keep your guns holstered,” Shepard warns. “If the Illusive Man’s there, he may be able to control us…” She stops short. There. She can see the platform, the console, and the silhouette of a man in a dark suit. Every muscle in her body tenses. “He’s there.”

The Illusive Man turns to face them as they step onto the platform, forming a loose semicircle. He says, “Shepard. I underestimated you.” He glances over her team—except for Miranda, aliens and geth—and a brief look of contempt crosses his face. “Still relying on alien team-building, I see. When will you learn that control is the real means to survival?”

“Control of the Reapers,” says Miranda, in a flat tone. 

He nods. “And of you, if necessary.”

Shepard’s head hurts, and her vision goes a little dark around the edges. To judge from the reactions of her companions, they’re being affected similarly.

The Illusive Man starts talking about control, about the discovery of the mass relays, about humanity’s advancements. Shepard is about to cut him off, but Javik interrupts first.

“You are a fool, human. The Reapers have turned your pathetic mind.”

“Prothean,” says the Illusive Man, dismissively. “The aliens would have us look up to your kind, but look what became of you. You tried to fight the Reapers, and you failed. When I gain control of the Reapers, humanity will be more powerful than the Protheans ever were.”

“No,” snaps Garrus. “The Reapers only want to destroy us. We have to destroy them first.”

The Illusive Man chuckles. “Turians. Such limited imagination. You disappoint me, Shepard. I can’t imagine what you see in this weak-minded bird-man. Look at the power the Reapers give.” He clenches his fist, an eerie glow surrounding it. The pain in her head becomes excruciating.

“ _Shepard_.” Garrus’s voice has such a note of anguish in it that she wants to snap her head to the side. Instead, she turns her head with great effort toward her left. What she sees makes her heart freeze: Garrus has his rifle aimed squarely at her. She knows that rifle; at this range, it will take her head right off her shoulders, or blow a hole clean through her armor, her ribcage, and out the other side. The rifle’s barrel doesn’t waver. _Move_ , she tells herself, but her muscles won’t respond to her commands. She can tell from the horror in Garrus’s eyes that his body is equally out of his control. Shepard shuts her eyes. She can’t watch this happen. She never should have brought him up here, or any of them, she’d shot Anderson so many times, she should have known what would happen...

“Look at what they can do!” The Illusive Man crows, and the rifle fires, almost deafening.

Except she isn’t dead. She doesn’t think so, anyway, she still seems to be conscious and feeling. Cautiously, Shepard opens her eyes.

Legion is standing between her and Garrus, pushing the barrel of the rifle up so the shot went harmlessly into the air. The geth wrests the rifle out of Garrus’s hands with only a little effort. Even controlled, Garrus seems to sag in relief. 

The sensation of a vise restraining her limbs slackens. The Illusive Man sounds shocked when he says, “That’s impossible.”

“You incorrectly inferred that you could control synthetics as well as organics.” Legion sounds dispassionate as always, but Shepard thinks she hears a bit of extra edge on the next words: “The geth are no longer the Reapers’ tools.”

The Illusive Man laughs, with a tinge of hysteria. “Perhaps not, but you will be tools again. Humanity can control the Reapers—”

“That’s quite enough.” Miranda raises her pistol. “I used to believe in you,” she says, and fires.

The Illusive Man falls with a hole perfectly placed between his eyes. What’s left of his face looks surprised. Everyone sighs as the pain fades and they regain control of their bodies. 

Shepard blinks at the fallen body, a little startled. Miranda, composed as ever, holsters her pistol and frowns at the corpse. “Shall we get on with this?” 

“Yes, what now?” Tali asks.

Shepard frowns. It’s harder to remember exactly what happens next. No matter how many times she’s been through it, she always experiences it through a haze of pain and blood loss. “We should be able to open the Citadel arms at that console,” she says slowly, “and then somewhere there’s a platform that takes me up to talk to the child. The Catalyst.” She swallows hard. “It’s possible that I pass out, but I can’t possibly go very far.”

Liara steps up to the console, Tali and Miranda conferring with her. Legion appears to be scanning the surface they’re standing on. Javik looks around at the closed shell of the Citadel around him.

Garrus approaches Shepard and then hesitates. “Shepard, I—”

“It wasn’t you,” she tells him immediately. “I know that. It wasn’t your fault. No matter what happened, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

He rubs the side of his head with one hand. The other clenches into a fist. “I tried, but I couldn’t stop it. I—” He breaks off with a sharp noise of distress.

She goes to him at once, puts one arm around him and holds tight, heedless of the bulk of their armor and the way it clacks together. She puts the other hand on the back of his neck and tugs his head down until their brows meet. “I know exactly how it feels,” she says quietly. “I shot Anderson. Every time.” It’s the first time she’s confessed that particular detail to anyone. She remembers, all too well, straining against the inexorable movement of her finger on the trigger. “Trust me, you may be the stubbornest person I know, but it was still _not your fault_.”

It takes a moment before a little of the tension drains out of him. “Okay,” he says softly. 

“Got it!” Liara calls. They both look up to see the Citadel arms opening, the massive winged shapes of the Wards separating to reveal the planet, the stars, and the battle going on outside. Shepard’s comm comes alive with voices, half a dozen people demanding updates and exchanging status reports. She is relieved to hear Anderson’s voice among them. Garrus nods, and she steps back to give the requested update.

They all watch as the odd bulbous shape of the Crucible sails silently toward them and attaches itself, the entire structure vibrating as it locks into place. She thinks that it looks as though it’s attaching just where Sovereign did.

“Commander? The Crucible’s not firing. It must be something on your end…”

“We’re on it, Admiral,” she says firmly. Her team has already started looking for the small platform or elevator.

Legion approaches and silently offers Garrus his rifle back. He takes it after a moment’s hesitation. “Thanks, Legion. I really owe you one.”

Legion’s light flickers. “Debt is unnecessary. I am glad I was able to intervene, Garrus Vakarian. Shepard-Commander.”

“Me too,” says Shepard.

Tali’s the one who eventually calls out, “Here! There’s a hidden seam right here.” She and Legion work together to activate the controls. The platform is a tight fit for the seven of them, but they can manage it by standing close together, so together the ride the platform up, and up, and up. The height becomes dizzying. Shepard slides an arm around Garrus’s back to steady herself.

“I have no idea where we are,” he mutters. “This doesn’t make sense.”

“Here it is!” Shepard calls. It’s unnecessary because the platform automatically stops, but she recognizes the spot. There’s a narrow walkway ahead of them, which branches into three paths at the far end. Control. Synthesis. Destroy. Her stomach lurches with a mixture of excitement and dread. It’s real. This place is really real. It’s not just a product of delirium or hallucination or near-death experience. She’s unhurt and lucid and surrounded by people who see it too.


	22. Chapter 22

They proceed along the walkway carefully, sticking together. Tali and Miranda both have their omni-tools active and scanning. As the walkway widens out, Shepard sees the three glowing stations ahead of her. Her footsteps drag. She’s tried them all, at different times. Each one of them hurts, burning her, disassembling her, destroying her. She doesn’t even notice the hologram appear until Garrus stiffens next to her, Miranda makes an in articulate noise, and Javik hisses. Then she sees it: the same child she saw in Vancouver, the ghostly boy that used to haunt her dreams. The dreams have faded with repetition. But no one else should have an emotional reaction to the sight of that child. “What are you seeing?” she asks.

Miranda speaks first. “It looks like Oriana… when she was young.”

Javik’s fists are clenched, and he blinks rapidly. “It wears the face of a juvenile Prothean. It is a mockery.”

“I see a young asari,” Liara adds quietly.

“Yeah,” says Garrus, tensing and adjusting his visor. “I see a turian child, and a lot of readings in the EM spectrum.”

Tali has her head tilted to the side. “A quarian girl, too young for her first suit. I’m getting a lot of energy signals, too.”

“Legion?” Shepard asks, curious what the geth might perceive.

Legion moves its head from side to side. “I am not sure what I am seeing, Shepard-Commander. It is… an abstraction. It influences organic minds to show them something familiar.”

Shepard’s eyes narrow, though she’s not surprised. “Something we’ll feel protective of,” she murmurs.

Legion’s head dips. “I believe so, Shepard-Commander.”

The boy turns its head toward her, its holographic face indistinct. “There are so many of you,” it says, in its curiously resonating voice. 

Shepard tenses, afraid of what it might do. She steps forward. “I’m the one you need to talk to.” Behind her back, she gestures, and the team spreads out. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees omni-tools flaring as they try to find ways into the system. “You’re the Catalyst, aren’t you?” she says, to distract it. She just hopes it’s possible to distract a millennia-old AI. 

Its head inclines. “I am.”

She asks questions, trying to draw it out, keep it focused on her. They can all hear its dispassionate explanation, the Reapers as a solution to chaos.

Javik comes to stand beside her as he listens. “Harvesting,” he spits out. “You are no more than a machine yourself, an abomination. How dare you decide the fate of all organic life.”

Given what Javik had said about his own people’s imperialism, his remark is deeply ironic, Shepard muses, but it really doesn’t matter. “Listen,” she says, “for one thing, you’re wrong. Synthetics don’t inevitably turn on their creators. This cycle shows that; it was the quarians who attacked the geth first.”

Its shimmering face turns toward Tali and Legion, huddled together. “That makes no difference,” it says. “Organics will always produce chaos. Only the Reapers can bring order.”

“But this war is chaotic itself!” Shepard protests. “How can you consider all this death and destruction orderly?”

It regards her solemnly. “We will preserve the organic and synthetic civilizations, and the cycle will continue.”

“It is madness to argue with this thing, Commander,” Javik snarls.

Miranda, standing behind the Catalyst-child, signals Shepard to keep talking. She asks about the Crucible. As usual, it explains that the Crucible, linked to the Citadel and the relay network, can transmit massive amounts of energy throughout the galaxy. It also refuses to explain who originally came up with the idea. Shepard can’t help wondering which long-dead civilization was responsible. 

“Your presence here shows that my solution won’t work any more,” the child says. “You have altered the variables.”

Shepard is about to answer, knowing that it will explain the choices, when the whole image shimmers and reforms. “You are attempting to alter the parameters now! You are…”

EDI’s voice comes over Shepard’s comm. “Shepard, I advise you to stand clear.” 

She grabs Javik’s arm and they both throw themselves backward. The holographic child-form dissolves into a larger, more amorphous light, coruscating red-blue-green-white before it detonates, silently, a discharge of energy that she can feel crackling along her skin and armor.

Then it is gone.

“What the hell was that? Status report!” 

Legion answers. “We have disabled the Catalyst programming, Shepard-Commander.”

“It detected our hack attempt, but EDI and the geth together got us through,” Tali adds. 

Legion’s flaps shift. “We believe that the individualism of the geth was instrumental in our success. The Catalyst and the Reapers functioned as one mind. Individual Reapers have only limited autonomy. The combined work of the geth and EDI was enough to disrupt the AI.”

EDI adds, “I note that Reaper attacks are now less coordinated. That alone gives our fleets a better chance.”

Shepard looks out at the battle. As she watches, a Reaper shatters into pieces under the fleet’s combined onslaught. She tears her eyes away. “Did you destroy it completely?”

“We still have access to its code,” Legion says.

Miranda says crisply, “We should preserve its code, if we can. We need to know how it influences organic minds, so we can create countermeasures.”

EDI says, “The Catalyst is not completely disabled, Shepard, only prevented from interacting with you or the Reapers. It is trying to re-establish its connections.”

Shepard grimaces. “Can you keep it busy, EDI?”

“I am endeavoring to do so.”

“The geth will assist her, Shepard-Commander,” Legion adds.

“Okay.” Shepard takes a deep breath. “Leaving it intact is too risky, Miranda. We need to find a way to kill it. And the Reapers.”

“Agreed.”

Shepard points. “Those three stations up there—before, it told me I have three choices. Control, destroy, or synthesis. If I choose to control the Reapers I… I think I become a program, like it.” Garrus makes a sharp clicking noise, but they all listen attentively. Shepard continues without looking at him. “I can destroy the Reapers, but it says that will destroy all synthetic life, and knock out most of our higher tech. Or I can choose synthesis… I don’t really understand that one, but it’s suppose to fuse organics and synthetics together.”

Javik is suddenly right in her face. “You will not,” he says, in low, threatening tones. “That is an atrocity. I will not permit you to do this thing.”

Garrus interposes an arm between them, and Javik steps back, glaring. Shepard focuses on his inner pair of eyes. “I want to find a _different_ option. Can we use any of that machinery and interface it with the Crucible somehow?”

“Let’s take a look,” says Tali, approaching the Control station. 

“Don’t touch anything!” Shepard calls. Tali nods and waves her off.

Liara is pulling up something on her omni-tool. “I have the Crucible schematics here, and Mordin and Kasumi’s notes. She included some material that David Archer sent. A lot of it is hypothesis, but we may be able to get something from it.”

EDI says, “Shepard, you must work quickly. The Catalyst is adapting to my cyberwarfare strategies more quickly than I projected.”

“You heard her, people. Let’s get to it.” 

Her tech team gets to work, conferring with each other, projecting schematics. Shepard herself can only help a little, mostly by answering questions about her experience with each of the machines. Javik inspects them with a look of loathing. 

“Shepard, the Catalyst—” says EDI suddenly, and breaks off into static. 

The child-hologram forms again, its surface agitated. “You must make a choice!” it calls, its voice more distorted than usual. “Synthesis is the… the solution for lasting peace…”

It winks out again. “We have diverted geth resources to AI containment,” Legion reports. “We cannot sustain this effort indefinitely.”

Shepard’s comm comes back online. “My apologies, Shepard,” says EDI.

“Just do your best, EDI.” Shepard frowns. “Why does it want me to choose synthesis so badly?”

After a moment, Legion says, “The geth believe that the Catalyst seeks to preserve its own existence and freedom of will. If you control the Reapers, it becomes subject to your will. If you destroy the Reapers, it ceases to exist. It sees synthesis as the only possible solution. It may be… afraid.”

In another mood, Shepard might be able to feel sympathy for the thing.

Or maybe not. “It could just call off the damned Reapers,” she grumbles.

“It considers the Reapers fundamental to its programming. It is unwilling to alter those parameters.”

Shepard shakes her head. “Let’s not waste time. What options do we have here?” She eyes the three glowing stations in front of her unfavorably. “I’d rather not have to throw myself into one of those again.”

Liara bites her lip. “The Crucible is so vast, Shepard. We don’t even understand all the parts. Or the Catalyst’s code, either, it’s an immense program. But… I think the Catalyst was altering the Crucible’s programming. If we change it ourselves, we can eliminate the Reapers without harming other synthetics. Or… we might be able to simply disable them. Render them inert.”

Javik says sharply, “No. We must end them.”

Liara looks up. “It’s just… if we only disable them, we might be able to access their stored knowledge. All those lost civilizations, Shepard, think of it.”

Miranda’s eyebrows go up. “There would be considerable advantages to that knowledge.”

Javik growls. Garrus is shaking his head, and Tali is fidgeting. Shepard’s own mind is clear. “No. I’m sorry, Liara, Miranda, but we can’t take that risk. We don’t need the Reapers to come back online, or the Catalyst to reactivate and decide it’s going to build new Reapers. We have to eliminate the threat completely. Maybe the Catalyst is right, and we’ll screw up in the future, but at least those will be our mistakes.”

Liara looks downcast, but nods. “I understand, Shepard.”

“Working on the programming now. I think we can adapt the destroy station, over here, for our purposes,” Tali announces. Legion, Miranda, and Garrus join her, the four of them leaning over the console.

Shepard blows out a breath and starts to pace. Pacing always helps her think. “What about the loops? Why have I been reliving the last three years again and again?”

Liara shakes her head. “I don’t know, Shepard. Maybe it’s some sort of fail-safe attached to the Crucible?”

“So we can fire the Crucible,” she says slowly, “but we can’t be sure it’ll end things.”

“This is what you came for,” Javik tells her.

Miranda turns from her work to point out, “We can’t simply stand here and not use it. We can’t stand up to the Reapers in conventional warfare. At least, not without immense casualties.”

Shepard’s gaze drifts up to the ships moving through space. “Yeah. I know.”

“Shepard,” says EDI, “I cannot guarantee containment of the Catalyst AI for much longer.” 

“We’re almost there, Shepard!” Tali calls.

Shepard waits, fidgeting, wishing there were something more concrete she could do. But then again, this is why she brought the team with her.

“Five minutes,” says EDI suddenly.

“We’ve got it!” Tali cries, triumphant.

“All right,” Shepard says. “Let’s do this. Garrus, do you want to fire the really big gun?”

He grins at her. “I thought you’d never ask.”

“Wait,” says Legion. “Running simulations…”

And EDI chimes in, “Shepard, activating the Crucible will release a level of radiation to this area that will prove lethal to organics in the immediate area. It would also destroy Legion’s platform.”

“Our calculations concur,” says Legion.

They stand there in frozen silence for a moment. Shepard swallows. “Well,” she says. “I guess it’s been a good run. It’s been an honor, everyone—”

Garrus spits out a curse that neither her translator nor her fledgling knowledge of his language can handle. “No. You’ve got to be kidding me. You are not doing this.”

Shepard shakes her head. She can’t possibly ask anyone else to do it. She opens her mouth to say so.

“Spare me your protestations of affection,” Javik interrupts. “I will do this thing.”

“Oh no,” says Liara, her hand to her mouth.

“No,” says Shepard. “I won’t ask you to do this.”

“You are not asking, human. I offer. I have waited my whole life for the chance to end the Reapers.”

“I—” For possibly the first time in her many lives, words fail Shepard entirely. As she falters, Javik simply takes charge, reminding her that, in his own time, he was in command. 

“The rest of you must descend again. I will activate the machine as soon as you reach a safe distance.”

Miranda starts back toward the platform they rode up here. Tali gently puts an arm around Liara and they go as well, though the asari looks back over her shoulder. Legion hesitates before following. Shepard is fighting between a sense of relief and the guilty feeling that this is simply wrong, all wrong. “Javik,” she begins.

The last Prothean fixes her with a hard stare. “There is no time for this. I am the last of my kind, human. You, your friends, your species… you have a future. I am a relic of the past. Let me join the rest of my people.”

“All right,” she says, finally, her voice sounding like a ghost of itself. “Javik… thank you.”

He waves her off. Shepard turns to join the others and finds Garrus, as ever, at her back. He falls into step with her as she blinks back tears.

They ride the platform down without saying a word. EDI notifies her that they’ve reached a safe distance before they reach the lower platform. “Javik will activate the Crucible in 10,” she announces. “9… 8…”

Shepard reaches out and takes Garrus’s hand. “Here we go,” she whispers.

“7… 6… 5…”

“Thanks for all you’ve done, everyone.”

“Thank you, Shepard,” says Miranda. Tali and Liara nod.

“2… 1… Activating Crucible.”


	23. Chapter 23

What happens next, her senses cannot process properly.

Reality seems to shatter around her, into pieces like etched glass, she can _hear_ the pieces breaking and falling around her

But at the same time everything seems to blur like chalk in the rain or a wet hand through watercolor paint

the black of the void  
Earth’s blue and green  
the silver of warships  
the red and orange of explosions

all streaks together and she doesn’t know what she’s seeing

something roars like a sonic boom and the floor vibrates beneath her feet

She closes her eyes, disoriented

but with her eyes closed she can no longer tell which way is up

or down

where is

there doesn’t seem to be anything solid under her feet

but everything is shaking

maybe the very air around her is vibrating so hard

and she tries to open her eyes again

but

either she can’t 

or there is nothing to see

if she shuts them again color swirls behind her eyelids

she can feel one thing

only

a hand in hers

grip strong and sure

she holds on tight clings with everything she has

Garrus squeezes back

So she’s not alone.

Shepard doesn’t know how long this state lasts, it could be moments or hours or, hell, years, but eventually light and sound seem to come back, it feels as though air is rushing around her. Maybe she’s falling?

Even as she has that thought she realizes she’s lying on something hard and flat. She… there might have been a thud, like she just fell and landed there, or maybe she’s been lying there for a long time. Her eyes are closed and feel gummy, like they’ve been closed for a while.

There’s a voice in her ear.

“Commander Shepard? Do you read? Shepard, status.”

It’s Admiral Hackett. Of course.

Her breath comes out of her in a wheezy little laugh. She licks her lips and manages to say, “Yes, sir, I read you.”

“I don’t know what you did up there, Shepard, but it worked.” Hackett keeps talking, but Shepard stops listening.

She pries her eyelids open and stares up into the starry battlefield. Huh. It looks as though she’s lying right on the main platform, before they ascended to meet the Catalyst. And she’s still holding onto something, hard enough that her fingers have cramped up. She flexes them and feels an answering twitch. She turns her head to the side. It feels like a tremendous effort.

It’s worth it, because Garrus is lying at her side, and as she watches, his eyes flicker and then open. Without any effort at all, a smile spreads over her face. 

“Hey,” she says.

“Hey,” he replies, a little raspy. He blinks and props himself up on his elbow. “Well. This sure isn’t my desk at C-Sec.”

Her laugh still sounds rusty and strange. Everything feels stiff and achy, but she also pushes herself up and looks around. “Yeah, it’s not the Normandy’s medbay, either.” She feels a weird pang of regret that she’s never going to see the original Normandy again.

Around her, the rest of the team are also struggling to consciousness. Only Legion has no difficulty, rising smoothly to survey their surroundings. 

Hackett is still talking in her ear, saying something about searching the Citadel for survivors, and she interrupts. “With all due respect, Admiral… I quit.”

“Now, let’s not be hasty, Commander—”

There’s a brief cacophony, several voices at once, and then a different voice says into her comm, “Shepard. How are you?”

She smiles, hauling herself to her feet. “Anderson. Good to hear you. I’m mobile, at least. I don’t have a handle on what happened. You all right, sir?”

He chuckles, warm and reassuring. “Yeah. Didn’t make it to the beam, spent a while dealing with Reaper ground forces. The rest of your team okay?”

Everyone’s on their feet, even if they look a little stunned. “Looks like.”

“Good. Take it easy, Shepard. You did good. We’ll get a team to you.”

For a moment she remembers him next to her, bleeding out, while she herself is dying by inches. She suppresses the momentary panic, lets herself feel relief. They’re both alive and this… this has never happened before. “Roger that, Admiral.”

With any luck, she can look forward to a lot of things that have never happened before.

She looks around. “Is everyone all right?”

“Just some bumps and bruises,” says Miranda.

Legion adds, “All systems operational, Shepard-Commander.”

“Good, then.” She looks up. There are still ships flying, but no explosions. “Damn, people. I think we actually did it.”

A moment later Garrus picks up and swings her around in a circle and she’s laughing from the sheer surprise of it, from the sheer euphoria. The fact that they’ve won is still setting in, oh so slowly. She doesn’t let go when he sets her back on her feet. “Sorry,” he rumbles in her ear. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” 

“No need to be sorry,” she says, and pulls him into a long kiss.

##

SIX MONTHS LATER

Shepard lounges on the beach, wearing nothing but sunscreen. She doesn’t even have a gun within reach. It’s a private beach, to go with a private beach house, which she has rented for the last month. 

She doesn’t even bother to open her eyes when she hears footsteps in the sand. “Hackett called again,” Garrus reports.

“Mm. Did you tell him I’m on my honeymoon and I’m not ready to come back yet?”

“I did. He kept talking until I offered to tell him all the honeymoon details.”

She smiles and opens her eyes, looking up at him standing over her with one of those oddly soft expressions. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He settles down beside her.

It was easier to say “I quit” than to actually quit. She’d agreed to public appearances, memorial services, speeches on Earth and the other hard-hit worlds as their engineers threw themselves into rebuilding the relay network. There’s been a little action, mopping up Cerberus forces, dealing with the pirates who immediately popped up to prey on refugees, that sort of thing. But then she demanded the leave that she desperately needed.

Their wedding had been simple, quiet, private, just them and their family and friends. Even meeting Garrus’s family had gone a lot better than she’d feared. She looks forward to getting to know them better.

But for now, a nice long spell of quiet time, just the two of them, is just what she wants. She’s just beginning to get the vague itch to be doing something again, and it doesn’t stick around long. Another month or maybe two, and she’ll be ready. Until then, Hackett and the Council can wait.

“Any other messages?” 

They only check their mail every two or three days.

“Yeah, plenty.” Garrus digs out a datapad. “Let’s see, Thane’s still hanging in there, and Kolyat got married last week.”

“Seems to be going around,” Shepard observes. From what she hears, marriage rates are way up since the war. “I’m glad Thane could be there to see it.” Both Thane and Kolyat had been instrumental in helping to protect the population of the Citadel, along with C-Sec and many others. 

Garrus nods. “Tali and Kal are still working on the house. She’s determined to build it without geth help.”

Shepard grins. “How’s that going for her?”

“Well, you know Tali, she can make anything out of anything. They’d be further along if she weren’t being a perfectionist about it. She says the constitution they’re drafting giving geth full rights as sentients is coming along well, though. Legion and some of the other geth are starting exploration beyond the galactic rim, too.” 

“Mm. Glad to hear it.”

“James says he made N2, and he’s getting a new tattoo to celebrate.”

“That was fast,” Shepard observes.

Garrus grins at her. “I think you motivated him. Role model.”

She sticks out her tongue at him. That just makes him lean over to brush his tongue against hers. She wraps her arms around his neck, and for a long moment they’re preoccupied with each other. “Was that everything?” she asks when she breaks away.

He’s breathing a little hard. “Uh, not quite.”

“What else?”

“Um, Wrex is crowing over the new krogan baby crop. He sent pictures.”

“I’ll look at them later.”

“Seems like both Kaidan and Ashley are going to be made Spectres.” The two of them had started dating again, tentatively, and had command of the Normandy for the moment.

“Hm. We should send them congratulations. Later.”

“Uh, Liara’s trying to use the Crucible plans to piece together the history of the cycles—”

“Yeah, that one can really wait.”

He tries to look innocent. “Wait for what?”

“Well. I don’t think we’ve had sex on this particular patch of ground yet.” She arches up against him.

“You know, you might be right about that,” he says, somehow maintaining a serious expression.

“And I’m all about doing things I’ve never done before these days.”

“I’m with you there,” Garrus breathes.

She pulls him close and kisses him again, and nobody talks about the mail for some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's been reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Variations on a Theme, with Tank and Gunfire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8787613) by [KeeperofSeeds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeeperofSeeds/pseuds/KeeperofSeeds)




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